Scenes From A Restaurant - 1

Customer : " John is it ? Good. Recommend cocktails any,John ?"

Waiter : " We are known for our martini, sir"
Customer : " Not martini,thanks.Too dry."
Waiter : " You could have our Singapore Sling then..."
Customer : " Oh yeah.Hmm. No. Not today though."
Waiter : " A good old Tom Collins then ,sir ?"
Customer : "Boring."
Waiter : " Why don't you try our mojito..."
Customer : " Erm, no , no rum please"
Waiter : " I'd try Cosmopolitan - vodka,cointreau,cranberry juice.."

Customer : "No cranberry juice, thanks. What else with vodka ?

Waiter : " Flirtini,sir - vodka , champagne , cointreau, pineapple"
Customer : "Sorry,pineapple did you say, John ?"
Waiter : "Yes"

Customer : " I hate pineapple.OK. Fruit. Any other fruit going?"

Waiter " There's Apple Frost...."

Customer : "That sounds interesting."

Waiter : "Yes.Cider,cinnamon,bourbon,pear bran..."

Customer : "Cinnamon and whisky ! God no ! No ! What else you got?"

Waiter : "There's Jack Frost..."

Customer : "Not a big Tennessee fan i'm afraid.More fruit ?"

Waiter : "Make you a nice fresh strawberry-and-vodka with lime,sir"

Customer : "Strawberry ?! Nah. Just get me some water please."

Waiter : " Still or sparkling ? "

Customer : "Still"

Waiter comes back with a bottle

Customer : " Erm, tap water please, John "

The Sound Of Music - 12

Act 12. Scene 1.

EXT. Somewhere in an Ibiza party. We find Maria sprawled out there cosying up with a young boyfriend. Both are very stoned. A miserable looking Captain von Trapp spots Maria and walks timidly up in her direction. Maria is too stoned and too engrossed to recognise him. She notices him only when the  hapless Captain trips on some stones at which she, alas , bursts into much laughter .

CAPTAIN : " Maria .....!"

MARIA (still blank) : "Hey ! Do i , like , know you Grampa ?"

CAPTAIN : " I , er , ....."

BOYFRIEND : " Now go away, old man. Go on. Get!"

Captain von Trapp tries to protest  but the loud techno music completely drowns him out. The Boyfriend advances towards him. The good Captain beats a hasty retreat. 

Finally he turns towards the camera and breaks into The Sound Of Music title track. 

Does the good Captain look and sound bitter ? Umm,yes, he fairly does. Could it be inferred that he is an ardent fan of the Ibiza scene ? Umm , no , it fairly couldn't.

"Their thrills are alive with the sound of music

A sound that will split a thousand ears.

The pills fill their heart with the sound of music.

My heart wants to fling out every song that it hears.

My heart wants to beat shit outta that lad

And swing him from the trees.

My heart wants to fry them both like Mac fries

Served with cheese.

They laugh like schmucks when i trip and fall over

Stones on my way.

They swing through the night like jackasses learning to bray

I'll go to the hills for my heart is lonely.

I know that i must first hit the provisions store.

My heart has been messed with The Sound Of Music.

And oh boy , was it a bore !"

Act 12. Scene 2.

INT. The war against global warming and environmental degradation looks conclusively lost. We are deep inside a little bunker in Berlin with Herr Furher in retreat. With him are his mistress named Eva Braun and his dog named something else. The dog is howling away in front of a gramaphone horn.

EVA : " I thought i heard the sound of music"

HITLER : "That's the dog trying to imitate his master's voice."

EVA (despondent) : " Oh mein Furher are we quite trapped in here?"

HITLER (angry) : " Vat ! Did you mention Trapp ? Eva , you are all Braun and no brain."

EVA : " Shakespeare ? "

In response , Hitler takes his pistol and shoots her.

Then he shoots himself.

After that , the dog shoots itself. 
But only with a camera.

The image becomes a major record label logo.

(To not be continued)

Act 12

The Sound Of Music - 11

Act 11. Scene 1.
EXTERIOR .  In the Alps somewhere. The von Trapps have escaped but they are having a tough time of it. They are  desperately short of food. After a long and difficult search , they finally spot a camp with a sumptuous spread laid out. Unbeknownst to them , it's part of a Sound Of Music guided tour for tourists. Captain von Trapp  approaches the table  but a man immediately cuts him off.

MAN : " This is for the Sound Of Music tour , sir. Can I see your ticket please ?"

CAPTAIN : "Now look here , I happen to be Captain von Trapp"

MAN : " Yeah ? And I am Lady Gaga. Now get out or I call the police"

Act 11. Scene 2.

EXTERIOR. Some time later. The hungry family marches on tired and morose. Arriving at picturesque meadow cheers up the children a bit.

CHILDREN (brightly) : " Can we all sing Do Re Me now like we used to ?"

MARIA : "Are you crazy ?! Go look for some food !" ---then adds --- " And one of you stay to massage my feet please"

Act 11. Scene 3. 
INTERIOR . The Nazi officers mess. The Generals sit around in despair. It's clear now that despite their best efforts , the von Trapps have escaped for good and are beyond them now. The officers look depressed and tired and haggard. The waiter walks in bringing them orange juice.

GENERAL 1 : " Vat ! Goot gott !! Juice !!! "

G2 : " We hate juice"

G3 : " Out with the juice"

WAITER : " But it's from a good concentrate"

G4 : " Ja , you fool , that's what the camps were for"

G5 : " As you will soon find out , mein gott ! "

Act 11. Scene 4.

EXTERIOR . The Alps again. And now at long last , the family spots help. They run into a family picnic there in the mountains. And it turns out the be someone they know ! In fact , it happens to be Guest 2 from the party of Act 4.

CAPTAIN : " Herr Schmidt ! What a wonderful surprise. In fact , a godsend . We are starving , sir and would greatly appreciate some food."

SCHMIDT (Coldly): " I do not think that will be possible , Captain von Trapp."

CAPTAIN : " Oh please I beg of you, Herr Schmidt. For the love of God !"

SCHMIDT (thinks for a while , then speaks) : " Very well then. But on one condition : you must first sit through three hours of my children singing before we serve you a morsel."

(To be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 10

Act 10. Scene 1. 

INTERIOR. At the concert hall where the get-away has been planned . Uncle Max has lined up the children on stage. Orders from the highest echelons notwithstanding , the program manager is not exactly happy at the prospect of having the von Trapp children sing again.

MANAGER : " Look here , can we at least have fewer of them ? It's bad enough having to listen to an adult von Trapp ..."

MAX : " It's Captain von Trapp's arrangement. And you do know that no less a person than the Furher himself wants the Captain to sing."

MANAGER : " Yes , i know. Still and all , i mean it's a nervous strain for someone such as I used as I am to agreeable chamber music . . . "

MAX : " Ah , chamber music ! I'm sure , old chap , that the Furher will be able to arrange for that - though i wouldn't bet on the 'agreeable' bit there. . ."

Act 10. Scene 2.
INTERIOR . Concert hall. The von Trapp family performs Climb Every Mountain

" Climb every mountain
But do mind that toe !
Follow every blog for
The right boots to go.

(Three of the children walk out offstage)

Climb every mountain
But mind every scream !
Follow every regimen
For calf-muscles like a dream.

A dream that will need
All the protein you can give.
And plenty of stupid exercise
For as long as you live


(The other children go offstage , leaving the Captain and Maria on it)

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream.
Make sure you can swim first
Or it'd all be a bad,bad dream.

A dream that will breed
All the hydrophobia it can give
And a marked disinclination to bathe
For as long as you live

(Maria goes offstage , leaving only the Captain on stage)

You can climb every mountain
But i must go check on the wife
You can follow me on Twitter
Every day of your silly life. "
(The Captain goes off stage)


Act 10. Scene 3.
INTERIOR . The concert hall. The Nazi generals in the audience are with Max.

GENERAL 1 : " Himmel , and to think we forced him to sing !"

G2 : " Ja ! The things we subject ourselves to . . . . "

G3 : " Where have they disappeared one by one like that...?"

G4 : " Ja , they haven't run away Detweiler , have they ?"

MAX : " Oh no , that was just part of the act. They're backstage"

G5 : " And what is zis blog ? And zis Twitter he said to follow ? Is it like some closed circuit TV ?"

MAX : " Not really. On the contrary , it's very open. You see General , it's a bit like this : with CCTV you are trying to watch somebody who is usually trying to hide. With Twitter or blogs , it's somebody trying to be watched while you're usually trying to hide."

G1 : " Zat's very clever. You are a smart man , Detweiler."

MAX : " But i still get only three scenes in this movie. And these were my last words"

G1 : " How right you are , Detweiler... ! "

---- G1 takes out a gun and shoots Max Detweiler dead ----

GENERALS 2-5 (shocked) " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! "

G1 : " This schwein fooled us ! The von Trapps have escaped !"

G2-5 (shocked) : " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! How do you know ? "

G1 : " Because Captain von Trapp has tweeted about it. Look !"

Waves his iPhone at them and shows them the tweet

G2-5 (shocked) " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! "

(To be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 9

Act 9. Scene 1.
INTERIOR  The von Trapp mansion. The Nazi generals pay a visit to the Captain.

GENERAL 1 : “Captain, please reconsider your decision.”
GENERAL 2 : “ We want you singing again. Herr Furher wants it.”
CAPTAIN (pleased) : “ Ah ! A fan is he ? Good ! He can visit my website for a chance to win an autographed picture.” (then remembers himself – continues a trifle wistfully) “ No , but my decision is final. No more singing , gentlemen”
GENERAL 3 : “ In that case Captain , please visit our offices for a chance to man our check posts 24/7 and hand out cards , chocolates and roses to everyone.”
CAPTAIN (wincing) : “ Chocolates ? And roses ? Er , what colour ?”
GENERAL 3 : “Red”

Captain von Trapp throws up.

GENERAL 4 : “ And of course you will go through some rather thorny training before that”
Cracks his knuckles menacingly
CAPTAIN : “ Are you threatening me ? Remember I have served my country with distinction”
GENERAL 5 : “ Now please serve us some coffee with haste”

Act 9. Scene 2.
INTERIOR The von Trapp mansion. That same evening. The Captain and Maria confer

MARIA : “ We must get out of here. It’s too unsafe”
CAPTAIN : “Yes. Although my heart bleeds at the thought of leaving my dear homeland.”
MARIA (eyes a stain on his shirt) : “ Gosh ! is that blood ?”
CAPTAIN (sheepishly) : “ Er, no . Spot of coffee actually. They didn’t like what i had served . . .”
MARIA : “And socking it right back is obviously not your cup of tea”

CAPTAIN : " One has to swallow one's pride sometimes"

MARIA (aside) : " To think i've swallowed so much more . . . Oh , i can't wait to spit out this wimp."


Act 9. Scene 3.
INTERIOR  The von Trapp mansion.  Captain and Maria are with Max Detweiler ("Uncle Max" )

MAX: “ Finally ! How many scenes do I have ?”
CAPTAIN : “ One. Possibly two at most”
MAX : “ Can’t you make it  three ?”
CAPTAIN : “ No way”
MARIA : “ Now look guys , can we cut to the chase please !
CAPTAIN : “ Let's not even have one. Relying on you,Max ”
MAX : “ No worries , old chap. I have a concert all lined up. After you perform and allay their fears , we keep them occupied with the rest of the show . That’s when you make a quick escape”
CAPTAIN : “ Oh good , I can sing again” (adds hastily) “ Only to fool the generals of course , dear”
MAX : “ So what song do you intend to perform ? ”
MARIA : “ I thought Climb Every Mountain perhaps…? ”
MAX : “ Hmm. Yeesss…. you’ll have to climb a few. Wear sensible shoes and stock up on food"

( To be continued)

The Sound of Music - 8

Act 8. Scene 1.

INTERIOR  Nazi military headquarters. Much agitation as von Trapp's let down is discovered.

GENERAL 1 : " Gott in himmel ! Have you seen von Trapp's Facebook status update ? It says he's decided to stop singing. And he's got a 'Like' on it too "

GENERAL 2 : " We can't allow status quo on that"

GENERAL 3 : " Ja , and it's on his Twitter too "

GENERAL 4 : " Himmel ! In 140 characters ?"

GENERAL 5 (Aside) : " So long as none are from The Sound Of Music"

G3 : "140 characters ? I think it shows zero character"

G1 : " And why has he made this decision ?"

G2 : " He says it's love"

G1 : " Love ? Is this love ? I want to know what love is"

G3 : " What's love got to do with it ?"

G4 : " Ha ! That was a second hand emotion , General"

G3 : " We change his mind for him then ! After all , we are the world ! "

G5 (Aside) : " Mein Gott , this is really getting on my nerves. First that silly movie and now these 1980's pop culture allusions . . . "

G1 :" I agree ! That's vat ve do ! We tell him to either comply or else beat it"

G5 winces

All now rise and sing The Beatles' All You Need Is Love - sort of, anyway

" There's nothing he'd do even though it can be done

There's nothing he'd sing even though it can be sung

Nothing he'd say , he thinks he's learnt to play the game

It's easy.

All he needs is love , (He thinks) All he needs is love , (He says) All he needs is love

Love ! Love is all he needs.

But there's nothing he can refuse that we say can't be refused

By the time we're through with him , none of his bones could ever be reused

And nowhere he can be but wherever the hell we want him to be

It's easy

All he needs is a shove, (All together now) All he needs is a shove , (Everybody !)

All he needs is a shove. A shove ! A shove is all he needs !"

(To be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 7

Act 7. Scene 1.

Houston ! We have a situation ! Because even as the Party have decided that Captain von Trapp must sing the world into Utopia , the good captain himself has taken the momentous decision to abandon singing for the sake of his great love for wild-chick Maria. We find the two of them in

EXTERIOR. Summer pavilion in the von Trapp premises. (Yes , again. This is a low budget remake)

CAPTAIN : " How i love you"

MARIA : "Shakespeare ?"

CAPTAIN : " No , my own words."

MARIA : " Hmm, i thought so..."

Sees that the Captain looks hurt

MARIA (speaks kindly) : " Come on Captain ! Let's sing a duet together. It's alright. One more song can't harm anybody."

CAPTAIN (cheers up) : " Yes , it can be my swan song"

MARIA (mutters under her breath) : " Sounds about apt for a lame duck"

They duet to Something Good , standing there in the soft blue late evening light

(yes , again , low budget , etc)

Maria:

Perhaps i had a wicked childhood
Perhaps i had a tripped out youth
But whenever weed or speed wouldn't last
There was always a heroin moment to shoot

Here you are now, standing there, nearly not boring me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from your singing
Nothing ever could

So whatever was in my youth or childhood
I've now done something good

I've stopped your singing , dude !


Captain :
For here you are , standing there , laughing at me
Whether or not you should

Maria :
So whatever was in my youth or childhood
I have now done something good
I've stopped your singing , dude !

Maria & The Captain :
Nothing comes from singing
Nothing ever could

Maria :
So whatever was my youth

Captain :
Or childhood

Maria :
I sure have done something . . .

Maria & The Captain :
Something good !

Captain :
I've stopped singing , which is good !

Maria :
Yes , you've stopped singing , dude !

(To be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 6

Act 6. Scene 1.

Nazi party headquarters in the newly captured Vienna. High powered conference on. The generals hold animated policy discussions.

General 1 : This Anshluss is Herr Furher's gift to the Fatherland

General 2 : My own father would have preferred beer .....

General 3 : We'll shower our people and all of humanity with love.

General 4 : We'll gift chocolates and Danke cards to all in peace.

General 5 : Our checkposts will hand out red roses with a smile.

General 1 : But achtung ! What of the environment ? And global warming ?

General 2 : And what of poverty ,malnutrition and disease in the Third World ?

General 3 : Ja ! Herr Furher is worrying himself sick over those issues

General 4: We must solve them !

General 5 : And soon !

All : But how ?

They all stand up and sing solemnly , in realisation of the fact that they are hopelessly clueless on the technical apects of these problems

How do you solve the problem of malaria ?

How do you treat a crowd when they're trodden so down ?

How do you heal malnourished victims of diarrhea ?

With a whaddyacallit ? A whatchyamightcallit ? A noun . . . ?

How do you solve the problem of global warming ?

How do you catch carbon emissions and pin them down ?

How do you find a word that means organic farming ?

In a dictionary ! A dictionary ! A good dictionary in town !

Then silence again - until inspiration strikes.

General 1 : I know how ! We put Captain von Trapp in charge ! He will vanquish pollution and poverty with a blitzkrieg of song

General 2 : He'll sing sweetly to the poor and the sick until they are healed

General 3 : Yes , after all "if music be the food of love , play on"

General 4 : Eh ? What ? What ?

General 3 : That was Shakespeare .

General 4 : Oh i see . Did they starve him in Auschwitz ?

General 3 : Not sure - but we need the sound of music around here.

General 5 (slight dismay) : The Sound Of Music ? But the fraulein dragged me along to watch it last year and i hated the movie !

General 2 : Who cares about that !

All : Ja, who cares ! General von Trapp it is - so finally , we have found some use for his infernal singing and for his flowery verse

General 5 (Secret Aside) : Mein Gott ! it couldn't get verse than ze Sound Of Music

(to be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 5

ACT 5. Scene 1.

EXTERIOR . Summer pavilion in the von Trapp premises. There we find Liesl and Rolf

ROLF : " I am 17 , going on 18 . . . "

LIESL : " Darling ! But age has nothing to do with true love"

ROLF : " I was talking about the number of people I am helping to send to the concentration camps this month. And now shall we get down to business ?

ACT 5. Scene 2.

INTERIOR . Inside Maria's bedroom in the von Trapp mansion. 
A drenched-to-the-bone Liesl sneaks in through the window.

MARIA (startled) : " What ! What the hell is all this ? "

LIESL : " Oh , i was meeting my boyfriend. Rolf ? I think you know him .. . "

MARIA : " I couldn't care less who you were meeting. All I care about right now is that you dry yourself , change and mop my floor. And , like , now ! "

LIESL (mutters under her breath) : " Bitch !"

Comes back changed.Proceeds to mop the place. Sullen and resentful

LIESL : " You're such a bitter old person. Is there anything you like at all ? "

MARIA : " I like a lot of things , you know, like . . ."

LIESL (cuts her off) : " Hey Sis ! No one wants to know , OK ?"

MARIA : "Oh but i'll sing it off anyway as its such a swell old hit"

Launches into "My Favourite Things"

Acid drops in high doses and whisky for a pittance

Bright Ecstacy pills and a good Coke remittance

Wild techno parties that fly with the moon on their wings

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cream coloured Tony-ies and crisp toy boy poodles

Dark skinned tattoo artists drawing naughty doodles

Cool flirty evenings and hot one-night flings

These are a few of my favourite things.

Girls in thin dresses flaunting their whiplashes

Mountains of money and million dollar bashes

100 Carat diamonds that melt into rings

These are a few of my favourite things.

When a bad trip bites

When von Trapp sings

When I'm feeling sad

I simply remember my favourite things

And then I dont feel so bad.

END OF ACT 5

(to be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 4

ACT 4. Scene 1.
INTERIOR . The von Trapp residence . Captain von Trapp has thrown a big party. The  Trapp children have been performing non-stop. Highlights include The Lonely Goatherd puppet show. The guests , who are already no fans of the von Trapps’ penchant for song and singing , are beginjning to look very apprehensive , especially  as there has been no sign of any refreshments

GUEST 1 : “ I think it’s about time those kids went to bed”
GUEST1’s WIFE (embarrassed) : “ Helmut ! Er , Captain , he meant the children must be tired . ."
GUEST 2: “ I say , how about turning off the music and turning on some grub ?”

ACT 4. Scene 2.
INTERIOR . Same party. Maria runs into the Captain’s ex- fiancée , the Baroness.

MARIA : “ I didn’t think I’d find you here after your break up.”
BARONESS : “Thank heavens for that break up ! Another song and my heels would have died from the sound of music ” (Eyes her sharply) “I imagine you are quite keen on him though . . .”
MARIA : “ Not really - but he could get me to Ibiza I suppose. Oh, I don’t know , It’s all so confusing”
BARONESS : “ Have a snort, that should clear your head”
MARIA : “ Can you give me some ?”
BARONESS : “ Absolutely not ! Are you crazy ? Go bum somewhere else”

ACT 4. Scene 3.
INTERIOR . Same party. Maria dances with Captain von Trapp. There’s a definite romantic tension in the air as they dance close , holding each other and  looking deep into each other’s eyes.
CAPTAIN (sings softly) : “Maria , Maria ….”
MARIA : “ Look Captain , if there is to be any possibility between us , you MUST stop singing.”
CAPTAIN (surprised , but recovers) : “ And then you’ll be mine …?”
MARIA : “ If you take me to Ibiza…”
GUEST 2 (butts into the frame) : “ Er , about that grub , if it’s not going to be ready soon ....?"


ACT 4. Scene 4. 
Same party. The children are finally about to end their performance with a last one. 

“So Long Farewell , I Hate To Say Adieu
To you , and you , and you and you and you

.............................................................................

.............................................................................
Goodbye , goodbye , goodbye”GUEST 3 : “ Goodbye ? Good riddance is more like it !”
GUEST 4 : “ Well , we don’t hate to say it at all : adieu. And no further ado please”
GUEST 5: “ Yeah , what a miserable do . . .”
GUEST 6 : “ Mein Gott ! Enough already. I’d climb every mountain to get away from here”

END OF ACT 4

(to be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 3

Act 3.Scene 1.
 EXTERIOR . Some time later. Maria has kind of settled in  now. We come in to a picturesque Alpine meadow where Maria has taken the children out for a picnic. She has just taught them Do-Re-Me.

MARIA : “ Kids, you need to go beyond Doe A Deer. Can you tell me what a male deer is called ?”

KID 1 (uncertainly) : “ Father …? He is a dear . ”

MARIA (mutters) : “ Don’t bet on it” ; (aloud) : “ Buck ! A male deer is a buck .”

KID 2 : “ And what’s Me ?”

MARIA (mutters under gritted teeth) : “ God give me patience”

Act 3. Scene 2.
INTERIOR.  Library of the von Trapps villa later that evening. The light from the fireplace lends a soft romantic glow. Captain von Trapp is strumming his guitar and humming a tune. MARIA walks in

MARIA : “ Good evening , Captain. I hope you’ve had a pleasant day. I took the children out for a picnic this morning . Taught them a song. It was a fine outing ”

CAPTAIN (distractedly) : “ Good. Good . . . ”

MARIA : “ What’s the matter Captain von Trapp ? Don’t you feel well ?”

CAPTAIN (after a pause) : “ Well , for starters Hollywood has typecast me in this mould , so I can’t seem to get any new roles. For another , it appears Herr Furher hates my music and his people are out to get me. And finally , my fiancée the Baroness has left me. She said she couldn’t stand my singing any more . Said she especially hated Edelweiss. Said she thought me sissy for singing it.”

MARIA (suppressing a giggle) : “ Oh dear , why do you persist with singing it then Captain ?”

CAPTAIN : “ I am addicted to it. My therapist says its Obsessive – Compulsive something "

MARIA looks set to leave the room , then apparently has an afterthought

MARIA (sheepishly) : “ Er , by the way , Captain ? This morning , I had to teach the children not only a song but also word-meanings. That will be three hours of extra wages of course”

Maria walks out.

We exit with the Captain singing Edelweiss to his guitar

" 'Edelweiss' , 'Edelweiss'

Every morning you greet me

Small and light, mushy and trite

How'd ya make it to Top Twenty ?

Blossom of snow , well may you bloom and grow

But outgrow this flick i seem to never

'Edelweiss' , ' Edelweiss'

Blast this darned song forever !

END OF ACT 3

The Sound Of Music - 2

Act 2. Scene 1
EXT. The von Trapp villa.Maria has just arrived inside the gates. She is smoking a cigarette while walking down the drive. She surveys the place. Doesn't look impressed. Reaches the door , stubs out her cigarette on the ground and rings the bell.

BUTLER : " Hello ! You look familiar". (Examines her) "I think I've seen you in the movies. Aren't you the girl from Sound Of Music ?"
MARIA (ignores him) : " Is the Captain in ?"
BUTLER (ignores her) : " Why , yes you are ! Look, couldn't you have kept the singing down in that movie ? We're already upto our necks with that sort of thing living with the von Trapps"
MARIA (disdainfully) : " The Captain , my good man !"
BUTLER : " Go try your luck , lady. He is in the parlour with the children. (winces) Singing as usual,the lot of them"

Act 2. Scene 2
INT. The von Trapp parlour. Captain von Trapp and his children are happily and completely engrossed in their singing . Electronica-hardened , wild party chick Maria does not look too amused with these scenes of cosy domestic harmony. Then finally , and at long last , the Captain notices her.

CAPTAIN (in singsong) : " Ah ! You must be Mariaaaa , from the Abbeyyyyy . . .welcooome !"
MARIA (coolly) : " Thank you , Captain . But i wish you didn't sing at me. Why this obsession ?"
CAPTAIN (draws himself up all solemn) : " The man that hath no music in himself , Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds , Is fit for treasons , stratagems and spoils."
MARIA : " What the hell was that ?"
CAPTAIN : " Shakespeare"
MARIA : " Well , it doesn't shake me"

Abruptly turns around to face the camera and bursts into " I HAVE CONFIDENCE"

MARIA sings :

" What will this day be like I wonder.

What will my future be I wonder.

It would be so exciting to be out in Ibiza, to be free

My heart should be wildly rejoicing

But, here I am , all at sea.

I've always longed for adventure

To do the things I've never dared

But this is such a stupid venture

That’s why am I so scared

A captain with seven children

What’s more loathsome than that ?

But let them bring on all their damn music

They’ll see I’m their Grand Czaritsa

I have confidence that I’m gonna hit Ibiza
I'll make them see I have confidence in me "

END OF ACT 2

The Sound Of Music - 1

Act 1. Scene 1.
Background song : "The hills are alive with the sound of music . . ."

MARIA (Sullen): " The hell they are . . ."

Act 1. Scene 2. 
The nuns confer.

NUNS (together) : " How do you solve the problem of Maria ?"
SENIOR NUN brandishes a whip : " Now this is one solution" (licks her lips)
MOTHER SUPERIOR (sharply) : " Now , now , none of that please ! The Holy See will not have it. We already have a lot of bad press with that sort of thing"
MOTHER SUPERIOR suddenly smiles : " Hmmm, i have an idea . . . "

Act 1. Scene 3.
Maria with Mother Superior.

MOTHER SUPERIOR : " My dear child , have you much religious belief ?"

MARIA : " Are you kidding me ? I have nun."

MS : " Then go  my child , into the home of Capt. von Trapp and help him with his seven children."

MARIA : " Seven ! Why , the randy old goat ! However shall i manage it ?"

MS : " Language, Maria ! You will do just fine, don't you worry. The only slight difficulty might be that the Captain and his children are always singing. They are excessively addicted to song , especially Captain von Trapp. If you heard that soundtrack in the background a while ago , that was them at it again. You must get around that and teach them practical things -and the ways of the Lord"

MARIA : " So that's why The Sound Of Music. Alright then , i'll go ; though i doubt i'd be much use"
MS : " It'd be a job well done even if you can just get them to keep their von Trapps shut"

END OF ACT 1

The misadventures of Sherlock Holmes – 7

"This reminds me of that fateful encounter with Prof. Moriarty", said Holmes staring vacantly at his iPad. It was a cold and gloomy morning and we had just concluded breakfast at our 221 B Baker Street lodgings. What had induced this comment was the singular case of the environment-fanatic who had caused much bloody turmoil within the premises of Discovery Channel.

" Yes Watson , the more i think about it ", continued Holmes " the more it . . . " . He let the sentence trail off the better apparently to pursue his own train of thought. He pushed the iPad aside, lit his pipe , closed his eyes - in short , exhibited all the signs of being immersed in deep contemplation.

I knew better. This remarkable - if recently wasted - man had taken to availing himself of rather more than the proverbial forty winks of slumber after Mrs Hudson's excellent ham , eggs and bacon each morning. I suspect the quantities of cocaine he consumed besides , unencumbered now by not having to aid the process of solving some of the most complex detective cases ever presented to man, did not much to help.

" Up , Holmes !" , i cried. For such laxity in matters of personal habit went against the very grain of both my personal belief and professional practice . Besides I had another , more selfish motive. Namely, to gather at last the missing threads that would bind that singular story pertaining to the end of Professor Moriarty's vile career such as Holmes had caused it into a seamless whole.

Such readers as may be advanced enough of years may remember the case which had caused such a public sensation that year. Professor Moriarty - Environment extremist , founder of Greenwar and as dark a black hearted villain as ever existed upon the face of this earth - had finally met his comeuppance at the altar of my friend Holmes' brilliance .

Moriarty had been promulgating a radical agenda pertaining to issues of the Environment , Sustainability and Non-Fossil Fuels- based Renewable Energy through his infamous Greenwar organisation. Most of his demands were of a singularly peculiar nature . To expatiate but a mere handful which springs readily to the mind , these included organic laptops, web browsers entirely green of colour , a blue whale as prime minister presiding over a cabinet comprising assorted fauna from the Amazonian rainforest , SUV's made of palm leaves and helicopters constructed from compost. He and his notorious organisation had wrought incalculable harm upon the civilized world with their many terror campaigns across it, all conducted under the cloak of anonymity.

Then Holmes by dint of deduction remarkable even by his exacting standards of those days traced Moriarty's whereabouts to a cybercafe in Cairo whence after the course of many a harrowing cat-and-mouse battle , the theatre of their war finally shifted to a climax in the Sahara desert. There - deep in the unforgiving desert , amidst the dire dunes ,witnessed by nary a living soul let alone live television - Holmes overpowerd the wretch into mortal submission in a legendary encounter.

But it was to be a legend that only the outlines were known of. Nobody ever received even partial possession of the details. Neither Scotland Yard nor I , his closest friend and confidant, knew them. I perceived this now to be an opportunity to be seized of the facts such as they were.

" Come , come ! It hardly befits a person of your standing to succumb to the temptations of indolence so early in the morning. Up Holmes and pray elaborate , sir , on what ensued in your final encounter with Moriarty. For it is about time the facts emerged from the murky depths of conjecture and up to the clear surface of truth !"

That Holmes awoke from his sedated reverie only after a prolonged interval of time bears but no labouring upon. Nor shall I elaborate upon the considerable quantum of effort i had to expend towards that end. I am sympathetic , dear reader, to the demands our Twitter updates places upon our time. Suffice it to say that I managed at last to produce some semblance of response from Holmes.

" Moriarty lured me to an especially confounded area of the desert" , said Holmes. " I was thirsty , Watson , with such thirst as only the unforgiving desert sun can bring on in man. And having drunk to the last drop what remained in my water bottle , I was in much trouble.

"My good Watson , you have always been kind enough to attribute the faculty of deductive reasoning to my undeserving person. I can not of course deny that Providence has indeed bestowed me with a modicum of this ability. And it is to these deductive powers that I turned now . I reasoned that the clump of coconut trees placed there could well be a source of the precious life saving fluid I was so severely in want of. So i took swift aim with my Colt revolver and fired lustily at them."

"But what astoundingly clever thinking , my dear fellow !" I ejaculated , marvelling again at his genius.

The emotion in Holmes' reply startled me. " It was a mirage , Watson, a mirage !" he cried " In reality there was not an inch of green in those infernal sands. To make matters worse , i had exhausted the last of my revolver bullets .
And then the hellhound accosted me. Moriarty was armed to the teeth with both gun and grenade. And there I was dehydrated and de-armed. It looked like the end was nigh , Watson - I was to be exterminated by a viper and a vermin then. I abjured my pride , sir , and pleaded with him to spare me. 

I pointed out that I too was a part of the planet he so wanted to save. I especially stressed upon my support for his position on global warming. (And what more appropriate a context in which to do so , I said). I swore to reduce my carbon footprint. I gave him my word that I'd switch to recycled products. I promised to be on more friendly terms with whales and dolphins. I professed my love for the endangered tiger. I expressed my deep sympathies with the extinct emu. All to no avail , Watson. 

The fiend was determined to finish me. He fired at me . Luckily , he missed. It is my considered advice now to those set upon going green with their guns to reconsider the use of recycled bullets. Then , he hurled a grenade at me. Again , it did not go off. Why ? My dear Watson , but it was solar powered and - as devices based on unentrenched technology often will - it malfunctioned. So there we were at last , both evenly unarmed. "

" Ah , so you overpowered him in direct body combat !" , i said.

Holmes appeared evasive: " Not precisely Watson , not precisely." He hesitated for a moment. "Truth be told Watson , I took to my heels and fled."

" What !" , i cried. I was stung by this revelation. Had we all got it wrong then ? " How did he die then , Holmes ? Out with it man ! Tell me for the sake of all that is honourable in this world !"

Holmes replied uncertainly : " A cosmic force of nature accounted for him. "

I could brook no further nonsense. " Come come Holmes ! Arrive directly at the point , sir" , I snapped.

A sheepish Holmes returned quietly : " He perished of sunstroke." 

Then he quickly added : " But it took me  not two moments to deduce the cause of his death, Watson "

At Your Service , Sir ( - And Mine)

My neighbour Charlie had just got back in from a car service appointment when i ran into him yesterday. "Gosh , these things are so expensive. I mean,heck, that was like paying rent." , said Charlie with much feeling. "I got that car free alright but now i'm more than making up with the service charges . Ought to be a law i tell you". The car was a prize he'd won at a ''guess-what's-inside-the-food hamper-and-win-a-car" competition. (Nobody else ever stood a chance did they)

I clucked my sympathies. " Well , no such thing as a free lunch after all and all that . . . " , i said by way of consolation. At which Charlie began to hurry home. Lunch hour was nigh. Now , inflation may well be making meat and potatoes dearer but rest assured it's nowhere as dear as they are to Charlie's heart.

Then , evidently struck by an afterthought , Charlie turned around abruptly. " You know , it's not just the money", he said, " It's the language. They don't even speak our language anymore. Like , when the bloke was reading out the job list , i don't believe he was speaking English...". I expressed the belated hope that said person didn't confine himself to , say , Aramaic or Latin.

Oblivious to my remark , a puzzled looking Charlie continued : " I mean , this is what he said : ' $$ , $$ $$$$ $$ : $ 230 $$ $$$$ , $ 41 $$$$$ , $$$$$$$ $$$$ $$ $ 422 , $ 490 $$ $$$$$$$ , $$$ $ 272 $$$ $$$$$$. $$ ! $$$ $$$ $$$ ? $$ $$$ ! $$$$ $$ $45 : $$$$'$ $$ $$ $1,500.' "