Friday, December 9, 2011

Perfect Strangers.

You book flight tickets online.Transaction done you realize that you should have entered the promotion code for a discount.You're at this counter the next day to buy advance tickets for a film festival.You pay up ,collect your tickets,begin to walk.


You turn around to confirm that a few free passes you've got need to be redeemed just before each screening.No sir , the young lady says , you could have done it right here and why didn't you tell me before paying.You ask if the purchase could not be cancelled.

But you know the answer already.No indeed sir , they could not.

Later walking out in the mellow sunshine you contemplate some. The rich get richer , the poor get poorer.

The unlikely-to-ever-be-rich get bicycles for their fish.

At rip-off prices too no doubt.

What really enhances the quality of your reflection at this point though is remembering that your frequent flyer card was offering a one paid-one free promotion for this festival.

Money and you : this line is probably the closest you've ever been to each other. Or ever likely to be !

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Animal Harm (a non-story NOT by George Orwell)

Wild animals were at large (and small too apparently) in Zanesville, Ohio , USA yesterday and while things are now under control , experts believe this might have been a possibility . . .

Monday, October 17, 2011

Scenes From A Restaurant - 2

Waiter : "Here's your wine , sir. Chateau XXX-XXX, 1954. A very charming little wine - gentle of bouquet , gracious and light of body, a hint of earth in the after-taste with just a trace of tannin to tease the tongue. The fruit lingers nearer the surface and produces the first few notes. Monsieur may be aware it is a first growth wine from the Medoc district of Bordeaux. The vineyard . . ."

Customer (interrupting) : "Whatever.Can you just pour it out please."

Waiter (explodes) : " WHAT ! Get out of here you squalid little philistine and don't you dare come back !"

Friday, October 7, 2011

Scenes From A Restaurant - 1

Customer : " John is it ? Good. Recommend cocktails any,John ?"
Waiter : " We are known for our martini, sir"
Customer : " Not martini,thanks.Too dry."
Waiter : " You could have our Singapore Sling then..."
Customer : " Oh yeah.Hmm. No. Not today though."
Waiter : " A good old Tom Collins then ,sir ?"
Customer : "Boring."
Waiter : " Why don't you try our mojito..."
Customer : " Erm, no , no rum please"
Waiter : " I'd try Cosmopolitan - vodka,cointreau,cranberry juice.."
Customer : "No cranberry juice, thanks. What else with vodka ?
Waiter : " Flirtini,sir - vodka , champagne , cointreau, pineapple"
Customer : "Sorry,pineapple did you say, John ?"
Waiter : "Yes"
Customer : " I hate pineapple.OK. Fruit. Any other fruit going?"
Waiter " There's Apple Frost...."
Customer : "That sounds interesting."
Waiter : "Yes.Cider,cinnamon,bourbon,pear bran..."
Customer : "Cinnamon and whisky ! God no ! No ! What else you got?"
Waiter : "There's Jack Frost..."
Customer : "Not a big Tennessee fan i'm afraid.More fruit ?"
Waiter : "Make you a nice fresh strawberry-and-vodka with lime,sir"
Customer : "Strawberry ?! Nah. Just get me some water please."
Waiter : " Still or sparkling ? "
Customer : "Still"

Waiter comes back with a bottle

Customer : " Erm, tap water please, John "

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Sound Of Music - 12

Act 12. Scene 1.
EXT. Somewhere in an Ibiza party. We find Maria sprawled out there cosying up with a young boyfriend. Both are very stoned. A miserable looking Captain von Trapp spots Maria and walks timidly up in her direction. Maria is too stoned and too engrossed to recognise him. She notices him only when the  hapless Captain trips on some stones at which she, alas , bursts into much laughter .

CAPTAIN : " Maria .....!"
MARIA (still blank) : "Hey ! Do i , like , know you Grampa ?"
CAPTAIN : " I , er , ....."
BOYFRIEND : " Now go away, old man. Go on. Get!"

Captain von Trapp tries to protest  but the loud techno music completely drowns him out. The Boyfriend advances towards him. The good Captain beats a hasty retreat. 

Finally he turns towards the camera and breaks into The Sound Of Music title track. 

Does the good Captain look and sound bitter ? Umm,yes, he fairly does. Could it be inferred that he is an ardent fan of the Ibiza scene ? Umm , no , it fairly couldn't.

"Their thrills are alive with the sound of music
A sound that will split a thousand ears.
The pills fill their heart with the sound of music.
My heart wants to fling out every song that it hears.

My heart wants to beat shit outta that lad
And swing him from the trees.
My heart wants to fry them both like Mac fries
Served with cheese.
They laugh like schmucks when i trip and fall over
Stones on my way.
They swing through the night like jackasses learning to bray
I'll go to the hills for my heart is lonely.
I know that i must first hit the provisions store.
My heart has been messed with The Sound Of Music.
And oh boy , was it a bore !"

Act 12. Scene 2.
INT. The war against global warming and environmental degradation looks conclusively lost. We are deep inside a little bunker in Berlin with Herr Furher in retreat. With him are his mistress named Eva Braun and his dog named something else. The dog is howling away in front of a gramaphone horn.

EVA : " I thought i heard the sound of music"
HITLER : "That's the dog trying to imitate his master's voice."
EVA (despondent) : " Oh mein Furher are we quite trapped in here?"
HITLER (angry) : " Vat ! Did you mention Trapp ? Eva , you are all Braun and no brain."
EVA : " Shakespeare ? "

In response , Hitler takes his pistol and shoots her.
Then he shoots himself.
After that , the dog shoots itself. 
But only with a camera.
The image becomes a major record label logo.

(To not be continued)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Sound Of Music - 11

Act 11. Scene 1.
EXTERIOR .  In the Alps somewhere. The von Trapps have escaped but they are having a tough time of it. They are  desperately short of food. After a long and difficult search , they finally spot a camp with a sumptuous spread laid out. Unbeknownst to them , it's part of a Sound Of Music guided tour for tourists. Captain von Trapp  approaches the table  but a man immediately cuts him off.

MAN : " This is for the Sound Of Music tour , sir. Can I see your ticket please ?"
CAPTAIN : "Now look here , I happen to be Captain von Trapp"
MAN : " Yeah ? And I am Lady Gaga. Now get out or I call the police"

Act 11. Scene 2.
EXTERIOR. Some time later. The hungry family marches on tired and morose. Arriving at picturesque meadow cheers up the children a bit.

CHILDREN (brightly) : " Can we all sing Do Re Me now like we used to ?"
MARIA : "Are you crazy ?! Go look for some food !" ---then adds --- " And one of you stay to massage my feet please"

Act 11. Scene 3. 
INTERIOR . The Nazi officers mess. The Generals sit around in despair. It's clear now that despite their best efforts , the von Trapps have escaped for good and are beyond them now. The officers look depressed and tired and haggard. The waiter walks in bringing them orange juice.

GENERAL 1 : " Vat ! Goot gott !! Juice !!! "
G2 : " We hate juice"
G3 : " Out with the juice"
WAITER : " But it's from a good concentrate"
G4 : " Ja , you fool , that's what the camps were for"
G5 : " As you will soon find out , mein gott ! "

Act 11. Scene 4.
EXTERIOR . The Alps again. And now at long last , the family spots help. They run into a family picnic there in the mountains. And it turns out the be someone they know ! In fact , it happens to be Guest 2 from the party of Act 4.

CAPTAIN : " Herr Schmidt ! What a wonderful surprise. In fact , a godsend . We are starving , sir and would greatly appreciate some food."
SCHMIDT (Coldly): " I do not think that will be possible , Captain von Trapp."
CAPTAIN : " Oh please I beg of you, Herr Schmidt. For the love of God !"
SCHMIDT (thinks for a while , then speaks) : " Very well then. But on one condition : you must first sit through three hours of my children singing before we serve you a morsel."

(To be continued)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Sound Of Music - 10

Act 10. Scene 1. 
INTERIOR. At the concert hall where the get-away has been planned . Uncle Max has lined up the children on stage. Orders from the highest echelons notwithstanding , the program manager is not exactly happy at the prospect of having the von Trapp children sing again.

MANAGER : " Look here , can we at least have fewer of them ? It's bad enough having to listen to an adult von Trapp ..."
MAX : " It's Captain von Trapp's arrangement. And you do know that no less a person than the Furher himself wants the Captain to sing."
MANAGER : " Yes , i know. Still and all , i mean it's a nervous strain for someone such as I used as I am to agreeable chamber music . . . "
MAX : " Ah , chamber music ! I'm sure , old chap , that the Furher will be able to arrange for that - though i wouldn't bet on the 'agreeable' bit there. . ."

Act 10. Scene 2.
INTERIOR . Concert hall. The von Trapp family performs Climb Every Mountain

" Climb every mountain
But do mind that toe !
Follow every blog for
The right boots to go.

(Three of the children walk out offstage)

Climb every mountain
But mind every scream !
Follow every regimen
For calf-muscles like a dream.

A dream that will need
All the protein you can give.
And plenty of stupid exercise
For as long as you live

(The other children go offstage , leaving the Captain and Maria on it)

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream.
Make sure you can swim first
Or it'd all be a bad,bad dream.

A dream that will breed
All the hydrophobia it can give
And a marked disinclination to bathe
For as long as you live

(Maria goes offstage , leaving only the Captain on stage)

You can climb every mountain
But i must go check on the wife
You can follow me on Twitter
Every day of your silly life. "
(The Captain goes off stage)

Act 10. Scene 3.
INTERIOR . The concert hall. The Nazi generals in the audience are with Max.

GENERAL 1 : " Himmel , and to think we forced him to sing !"
G2 : " Ja ! The things we subject ourselves to . . . . "
G3 : " Where have they disappeared one by one like that...?"
G4 : " Ja , they haven't run away Detweiler , have they ?"
MAX : " Oh no , that was just part of the act. They're backstage"
G5 : " And what is zis blog ? And zis Twitter he said to follow ? Is it like some closed circuit TV ?"
MAX : " Not really. On the contrary , it's very open. You see General , it's a bit like this : with CCTV you are trying to watch somebody who is usually trying to hide. With Twitter or blogs , it's somebody trying to be watched while you're usually trying to hide."
G1 : " Zat's very clever. You are a smart man , Detweiler."
MAX : " But i still get only three scenes in this movie. And these were my last words"
G1 : " How right you are , Detweiler... ! "
---- G1 takes out a gun and shoots Max Detweiler dead ----
GENERALS 2-5 (shocked) " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! "
G1 : " This schwein fooled us ! The von Trapps have escaped !"
G2-5 (shocked) : " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! How do you know ? "
G1 : " Because Captain von Trapp has tweeted about it. Look !"
Waves his iPhone at them and shows them the tweet
G2-5 (shocked) " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! "
(To be continued)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Sound Of Music - 9

Act 9. Scene 1.
INTERIOR  The von Trapp mansion. The Nazi generals pay a visit to the Captain.

GENERAL 1 : “Captain, please reconsider your decision.”
GENERAL 2 : “ We want you singing again. Herr Furher wants it.”
CAPTAIN (pleased) : “ Ah ! A fan is he ? Good ! He can visit my website for a chance to win an autographed picture.” (then remembers himself – continues a trifle wistfully) “ No , but my decision is final. No more singing , gentlemen”
GENERAL 3 : “ In that case Captain , please visit our offices for a chance to man our check posts 24/7 and hand out cards , chocolates and roses to everyone.”
CAPTAIN (wincing) : “ Chocolates ? And roses ? Er , what colour ?”
GENERAL 3 : “Red”

Captain von Trapp throws up.

GENERAL 4 : “ And of course you will go through some rather thorny training before that”
Cracks his knuckles menacingly
CAPTAIN : “ Are you threatening me ? Remember I have served my country with distinction”
GENERAL 5 : “ Now please serve us some coffee with haste”

Act 9. Scene 2.
INTERIOR The von Trapp mansion. That same evening. The Captain and Maria confer

MARIA : “ We must get out of here. It’s too unsafe”
CAPTAIN : “Yes. Although my heart bleeds at the thought of leaving my dear homeland.”
MARIA (eyes a stain on his shirt) : “ Gosh ! is that blood ?”
CAPTAIN (sheepishly) : “ Er, no . Spot of coffee actually. They didn’t like what i had served . . .”
MARIA : “And socking it right back is obviously not your cup of tea”
CAPTAIN : " One has to swallow one's pride sometimes"
MARIA (aside) : " To think i've swallowed so much more . . . Oh , i can't wait to spit out this wimp."

Act 9. Scene 3.
INTERIOR  The von Trapp mansion.  Captain and Maria are with Max Detweiler ("Uncle Max" )

MAX: “ Finally ! How many scenes do I have ?”
CAPTAIN : “ One. Possibly two at most”
MAX : “ Can’t you make it  three ?”
CAPTAIN : “ No way”
MARIA : “ Now look guys , can we cut to the chase please !
CAPTAIN : “ Let's not even have one. Relying on you,Max ”
MAX : “ No worries , old chap. I have a concert all lined up. After you perform and allay their fears , we keep them occupied with the rest of the show . That’s when you make a quick escape”
CAPTAIN : “ Oh good , I can sing again” (adds hastily) “ Only to fool the generals of course , dear”
MAX : “ So what song do you intend to perform ? ”
MARIA : “ I thought Climb Every Mountain perhaps…? ”
MAX : “ Hmm. Yeesss…. you’ll have to climb a few. Wear sensible shoes and stock up on food"

( To be continued)