Just Kidding

My neighbor Charlie took a shine to 'Unleash Your Inner Child :  Be Curious, Be Crazy' , tip number six   from Ten Terrific Tips For Sizzling Success when he first read the piece. ('Like our Facebook page to win a free Sizzling Success Mug').

He's not such a fan anymore. Not after it had unleashed the Outer Adult in his boss.

Which happened when he tried applying it at work. During a business review meeting , his boss had asked  for sales to be increased and costs to be cut . Charlie interrupted mid-sentence to ask why. And Charlie was promptly asked to share his own sales numbers.

"Shan't too ! " said Charlie.

When the other begged Charlie's pardon , Charlie paid no attention. He burst into a sudden giggle instead and said hey how come you have such a funny nose.

The much-zapped boss pulled off a weak laugh and asked what the hell was wrong with Charlie today.Charlie ignored him and carried on singing. He also began to draw something.(The guy next to him was to say later that - seeing as how  it looked like a TV remote mounted on a pair of antennae which of course was absurd - it was probably a creature of some sort, a man possibly) 

The now-irritated boss then asked Charlie to get the fuck out of there and sort himself out. Charlie scowled , pouted , stomped his feet , glared. Then Charlie stood right up and knocked down his chair.

He was howling when they dragged him out of the room.

Charlie ,  now on rest leave , was sipping a thoughtful coffee from his Sizzling Success mug when i met him yesterday. "Naturally I don't blame them." he said  "I look at it from a  holistic perspective."

Tip number one or two, no doubt.

At Your Service , Sir ( - And Mine)

My neighbour Charlie had just got back in from a car service appointment when i ran into him yesterday. "Gosh , these things are so expensive. I mean,heck, that was like paying rent." , said Charlie with much feeling. "I got that car free alright but now i'm more than making up with the service charges . Ought to be a law i tell you". The car was a prize he'd won at a ''guess-what's-inside-the-food hamper-and-win-a-car" competition. (Nobody else ever stood a chance did they)

I clucked my sympathies. " Well , no such thing as a free lunch after all and all that . . . " , i said by way of consolation. At which Charlie began to hurry home. Lunch hour was nigh. Now , inflation may well be making meat and potatoes dearer but rest assured it's nowhere as dear as they are to Charlie's heart.

Then , evidently struck by an afterthought , Charlie turned around abruptly. " You know , it's not just the money", he said, " It's the language. They don't even speak our language anymore. Like , when the bloke was reading out the job list , i don't believe he was speaking English...". I expressed the belated hope that said person didn't confine himself to , say , Aramaic or Latin.

Oblivious to my remark , a puzzled looking Charlie continued : " I mean , this is what he said : ' $$ , $$ $$$$ $$ : $ 230 $$ $$$$ , $ 41 $$$$$ , $$$$$$$ $$$$ $$ $ 422 , $ 490 $$ $$$$$$$ , $$$ $ 272 $$$ $$$$$$. $$ ! $$$ $$$ $$$ ? $$ $$$ ! $$$$ $$ $45 : $$$$'$ $$ $$ $1,500.' "

Constant Craving

“Why must news channels be so jarringly loud all the time?” I said to my neighbor Charlie.

This after a news station promo had shot out like a shrieking banshee from my rickety TV set when I switched it on , causing equal damage to both ear and equanimity.

“Ah, it’s the constant craving”, said Charlie. “Constant craving for audiences on the part of the media and for excitement on the part of the audiences. Keeping it loud works well for both. .”

Charlie is so used to the Important-If-It’s-Loud scheme of things that he turns up the volume to max whenever there are no big news stories on. This apparently helps make believe that there are terrifically big news stories on. Charlie has relented at times only upon Mrs. Charlie taking exception and that only at the fear of a lost plate of roast beef. (In Charlie’s newspaper , that would be a headline tragedy of epic proportion. Those familiar will know that Charlie and hot dinner are no frosty strangers.)

“Now all this talk of sub-par news media ? I don’t buy that. On the contrary I think what we have at hand is very balanced news coverage. Take global warming. For three months they covered nothing else. And now all we hear about is how the half the world is all snowed in.”

He’s a strange one , my neighbor Charlie , apt to blow hot and cold about things from time to time but with a guy like that ,you sure don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

It’s towards loud.

Any colour you like

“White ! ” cried Charlie bubbly as they come.

I was quick to point out my utter lack of interest in the colour of his vest.

That clearly deflated poor Charlie’s enthusiasm . “ It’s so unfair !”, said Charlie “ The colour thing women were onto on Facebook. What about us men , what about something similar for us , like raising awareness of , er,..oh,lung cancer, for Pete’s Sake ! ” . It could hardly have been for , say , Paulina’s sake. That's Charlie’s thing,consistency.

I managed to calm him down. Tweeting him an update or a joke usually does it and it did now. Charlie lightened up a bit. Gradually he let on what was really troubling him. He brandished a copy of The Economist . It had to do with personal hygiene in 17th century Europe. “The thing is” , said Charlie , face clouding over “the missus has had the same colour posted on her FB update over three days running now. I’ve questioned her about it but she’s in denial mode and just refuses to make a clean breast of things ”. And i know that Charlie - who loves his dinner as dearly as the next man, perhaps even a morsel more - has to keep things closer to his chest than he'd like.

I assured Charlie that worse things have been known to happen. Such as having sheep thrown at you while you were having a bad day at Mafia Wars. I thought I saw Charlie nod in agreement but of course it might only have been somebody giving him a poke.