The Sound Of Music - 12

Act 12. Scene 1.

EXT. Somewhere in an Ibiza party. We find Maria sprawled out there cosying up with a young boyfriend. Both are very stoned. A miserable looking Captain von Trapp spots Maria and walks timidly up in her direction. Maria is too stoned and too engrossed to recognise him. She notices him only when the  hapless Captain trips on some stones at which she, alas , bursts into much laughter .

CAPTAIN : " Maria .....!"

MARIA (still blank) : "Hey ! Do i , like , know you Grampa ?"

CAPTAIN : " I , er , ....."

BOYFRIEND : " Now go away, old man. Go on. Get!"

Captain von Trapp tries to protest  but the loud techno music completely drowns him out. The Boyfriend advances towards him. The good Captain beats a hasty retreat. 

Finally he turns towards the camera and breaks into The Sound Of Music title track. 

Does the good Captain look and sound bitter ? Umm,yes, he fairly does. Could it be inferred that he is an ardent fan of the Ibiza scene ? Umm , no , it fairly couldn't.

"Their thrills are alive with the sound of music

A sound that will split a thousand ears.

The pills fill their heart with the sound of music.

My heart wants to fling out every song that it hears.

My heart wants to beat shit outta that lad

And swing him from the trees.

My heart wants to fry them both like Mac fries

Served with cheese.

They laugh like schmucks when i trip and fall over

Stones on my way.

They swing through the night like jackasses learning to bray

I'll go to the hills for my heart is lonely.

I know that i must first hit the provisions store.

My heart has been messed with The Sound Of Music.

And oh boy , was it a bore !"

Act 12. Scene 2.

INT. The war against global warming and environmental degradation looks conclusively lost. We are deep inside a little bunker in Berlin with Herr Furher in retreat. With him are his mistress named Eva Braun and his dog named something else. The dog is howling away in front of a gramaphone horn.

EVA : " I thought i heard the sound of music"

HITLER : "That's the dog trying to imitate his master's voice."

EVA (despondent) : " Oh mein Furher are we quite trapped in here?"

HITLER (angry) : " Vat ! Did you mention Trapp ? Eva , you are all Braun and no brain."

EVA : " Shakespeare ? "

In response , Hitler takes his pistol and shoots her.

Then he shoots himself.

After that , the dog shoots itself. 
But only with a camera.

The image becomes a major record label logo.

(To not be continued)

Act 12

The Sound Of Music - 6

Act 6. Scene 1.

Nazi party headquarters in the newly captured Vienna. High powered conference on. The generals hold animated policy discussions.

General 1 : This Anshluss is Herr Furher's gift to the Fatherland

General 2 : My own father would have preferred beer .....

General 3 : We'll shower our people and all of humanity with love.

General 4 : We'll gift chocolates and Danke cards to all in peace.

General 5 : Our checkposts will hand out red roses with a smile.

General 1 : But achtung ! What of the environment ? And global warming ?

General 2 : And what of poverty ,malnutrition and disease in the Third World ?

General 3 : Ja ! Herr Furher is worrying himself sick over those issues

General 4: We must solve them !

General 5 : And soon !

All : But how ?

They all stand up and sing solemnly , in realisation of the fact that they are hopelessly clueless on the technical apects of these problems

How do you solve the problem of malaria ?

How do you treat a crowd when they're trodden so down ?

How do you heal malnourished victims of diarrhea ?

With a whaddyacallit ? A whatchyamightcallit ? A noun . . . ?

How do you solve the problem of global warming ?

How do you catch carbon emissions and pin them down ?

How do you find a word that means organic farming ?

In a dictionary ! A dictionary ! A good dictionary in town !

Then silence again - until inspiration strikes.

General 1 : I know how ! We put Captain von Trapp in charge ! He will vanquish pollution and poverty with a blitzkrieg of song

General 2 : He'll sing sweetly to the poor and the sick until they are healed

General 3 : Yes , after all "if music be the food of love , play on"

General 4 : Eh ? What ? What ?

General 3 : That was Shakespeare .

General 4 : Oh i see . Did they starve him in Auschwitz ?

General 3 : Not sure - but we need the sound of music around here.

General 5 (slight dismay) : The Sound Of Music ? But the fraulein dragged me along to watch it last year and i hated the movie !

General 2 : Who cares about that !

All : Ja, who cares ! General von Trapp it is - so finally , we have found some use for his infernal singing and for his flowery verse

General 5 (Secret Aside) : Mein Gott ! it couldn't get verse than ze Sound Of Music

(to be continued)

Inglourious Callcenterd

This phone conversation happened a few months ago.

ME : " Hello , I'd like to book an appointment with Dr. X for next Sunday"

LADY 1 : " Sir , would you like an afternoon or a morning slot ?"

ME : "Is afternoon available?"

LADY 1 : " No, sir."

Then this a couple of days later.

ME : "Um , I have an appointment with Dr.X for next Sunday......(etc) Can i reschedule it to Wednesday ?"

LADY 2 : " Wednesday...OK sir. Would you like a morning or afternoon slot ?"

ME : " Afternoon'd be great. Is that available ?"

LADY 2 : "No,sir"

Obviously , customer is king , customer choice queen and reading out from your Customer Service training manual algorithm an absolute God. Sweet !

And then this one happened today :

ME : "Hello, I'd like to book two tickets for Inglourious Basterds , 9PM , at X "

LADY 3 : ".......(details , etc)....Sir ,can i have your last name ? "

(Five minutes getting that it in)

LADY 3 : "And your first name , sir"

ME : " Bhaskar. That's B-H-A-S..."

LADY 3 (cuts in) : " B-H-A-S-T-E-R-D , sir ?"

We covered the bit about reading out from the movie list as being an absolute God ? Well, she did need to sound a whole lot brighter for me to attribute anything more to it than that. Or at least so i hope !

Stranger and more inglourious things can happen on a phone call than Herr Furher melting into his swastika in a cinema hall fire.