The Sound Of Music - 2

Act 2. Scene 1
EXT. The von Trapp villa.Maria has just arrived inside the gates. She is smoking a cigarette while walking down the drive. She surveys the place. Doesn't look impressed. Reaches the door , stubs out her cigarette on the ground and rings the bell.

BUTLER : " Hello ! You look familiar". (Examines her) "I think I've seen you in the movies. Aren't you the girl from Sound Of Music ?"
MARIA (ignores him) : " Is the Captain in ?"
BUTLER (ignores her) : " Why , yes you are ! Look, couldn't you have kept the singing down in that movie ? We're already upto our necks with that sort of thing living with the von Trapps"
MARIA (disdainfully) : " The Captain , my good man !"
BUTLER : " Go try your luck , lady. He is in the parlour with the children. (winces) Singing as usual,the lot of them"

Act 2. Scene 2
INT. The von Trapp parlour. Captain von Trapp and his children are happily and completely engrossed in their singing . Electronica-hardened , wild party chick Maria does not look too amused with these scenes of cosy domestic harmony. Then finally , and at long last , the Captain notices her.

CAPTAIN (in singsong) : " Ah ! You must be Mariaaaa , from the Abbeyyyyy . . .welcooome !"
MARIA (coolly) : " Thank you , Captain . But i wish you didn't sing at me. Why this obsession ?"
CAPTAIN (draws himself up all solemn) : " The man that hath no music in himself , Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds , Is fit for treasons , stratagems and spoils."
MARIA : " What the hell was that ?"
CAPTAIN : " Shakespeare"
MARIA : " Well , it doesn't shake me"

Abruptly turns around to face the camera and bursts into " I HAVE CONFIDENCE"

MARIA sings :

" What will this day be like I wonder.

What will my future be I wonder.

It would be so exciting to be out in Ibiza, to be free

My heart should be wildly rejoicing

But, here I am , all at sea.

I've always longed for adventure

To do the things I've never dared

But this is such a stupid venture

That’s why am I so scared

A captain with seven children

What’s more loathsome than that ?

But let them bring on all their damn music

They’ll see I’m their Grand Czaritsa

I have confidence that I’m gonna hit Ibiza
I'll make them see I have confidence in me "

END OF ACT 2

The Sound Of Music - 1

Act 1. Scene 1.
Background song : "The hills are alive with the sound of music . . ."

MARIA (Sullen): " The hell they are . . ."

Act 1. Scene 2. 
The nuns confer.

NUNS (together) : " How do you solve the problem of Maria ?"
SENIOR NUN brandishes a whip : " Now this is one solution" (licks her lips)
MOTHER SUPERIOR (sharply) : " Now , now , none of that please ! The Holy See will not have it. We already have a lot of bad press with that sort of thing"
MOTHER SUPERIOR suddenly smiles : " Hmmm, i have an idea . . . "

Act 1. Scene 3.
Maria with Mother Superior.

MOTHER SUPERIOR : " My dear child , have you much religious belief ?"

MARIA : " Are you kidding me ? I have nun."

MS : " Then go  my child , into the home of Capt. von Trapp and help him with his seven children."

MARIA : " Seven ! Why , the randy old goat ! However shall i manage it ?"

MS : " Language, Maria ! You will do just fine, don't you worry. The only slight difficulty might be that the Captain and his children are always singing. They are excessively addicted to song , especially Captain von Trapp. If you heard that soundtrack in the background a while ago , that was them at it again. You must get around that and teach them practical things -and the ways of the Lord"

MARIA : " So that's why The Sound Of Music. Alright then , i'll go ; though i doubt i'd be much use"
MS : " It'd be a job well done even if you can just get them to keep their von Trapps shut"

END OF ACT 1

The misadventures of Sherlock Holmes – 7

"This reminds me of that fateful encounter with Prof. Moriarty", said Holmes staring vacantly at his iPad. It was a cold and gloomy morning and we had just concluded breakfast at our 221 B Baker Street lodgings. What had induced this comment was the singular case of the environment-fanatic who had caused much bloody turmoil within the premises of Discovery Channel.

" Yes Watson , the more i think about it ", continued Holmes " the more it . . . " . He let the sentence trail off the better apparently to pursue his own train of thought. He pushed the iPad aside, lit his pipe , closed his eyes - in short , exhibited all the signs of being immersed in deep contemplation.

I knew better. This remarkable - if recently wasted - man had taken to availing himself of rather more than the proverbial forty winks of slumber after Mrs Hudson's excellent ham , eggs and bacon each morning. I suspect the quantities of cocaine he consumed besides , unencumbered now by not having to aid the process of solving some of the most complex detective cases ever presented to man, did not much to help.

" Up , Holmes !" , i cried. For such laxity in matters of personal habit went against the very grain of both my personal belief and professional practice . Besides I had another , more selfish motive. Namely, to gather at last the missing threads that would bind that singular story pertaining to the end of Professor Moriarty's vile career such as Holmes had caused it into a seamless whole.

Such readers as may be advanced enough of years may remember the case which had caused such a public sensation that year. Professor Moriarty - Environment extremist , founder of Greenwar and as dark a black hearted villain as ever existed upon the face of this earth - had finally met his comeuppance at the altar of my friend Holmes' brilliance .

Moriarty had been promulgating a radical agenda pertaining to issues of the Environment , Sustainability and Non-Fossil Fuels- based Renewable Energy through his infamous Greenwar organisation. Most of his demands were of a singularly peculiar nature . To expatiate but a mere handful which springs readily to the mind , these included organic laptops, web browsers entirely green of colour , a blue whale as prime minister presiding over a cabinet comprising assorted fauna from the Amazonian rainforest , SUV's made of palm leaves and helicopters constructed from compost. He and his notorious organisation had wrought incalculable harm upon the civilized world with their many terror campaigns across it, all conducted under the cloak of anonymity.

Then Holmes by dint of deduction remarkable even by his exacting standards of those days traced Moriarty's whereabouts to a cybercafe in Cairo whence after the course of many a harrowing cat-and-mouse battle , the theatre of their war finally shifted to a climax in the Sahara desert. There - deep in the unforgiving desert , amidst the dire dunes ,witnessed by nary a living soul let alone live television - Holmes overpowerd the wretch into mortal submission in a legendary encounter.

But it was to be a legend that only the outlines were known of. Nobody ever received even partial possession of the details. Neither Scotland Yard nor I , his closest friend and confidant, knew them. I perceived this now to be an opportunity to be seized of the facts such as they were.

" Come , come ! It hardly befits a person of your standing to succumb to the temptations of indolence so early in the morning. Up Holmes and pray elaborate , sir , on what ensued in your final encounter with Moriarty. For it is about time the facts emerged from the murky depths of conjecture and up to the clear surface of truth !"

That Holmes awoke from his sedated reverie only after a prolonged interval of time bears but no labouring upon. Nor shall I elaborate upon the considerable quantum of effort i had to expend towards that end. I am sympathetic , dear reader, to the demands our Twitter updates places upon our time. Suffice it to say that I managed at last to produce some semblance of response from Holmes.

" Moriarty lured me to an especially confounded area of the desert" , said Holmes. " I was thirsty , Watson , with such thirst as only the unforgiving desert sun can bring on in man. And having drunk to the last drop what remained in my water bottle , I was in much trouble.

"My good Watson , you have always been kind enough to attribute the faculty of deductive reasoning to my undeserving person. I can not of course deny that Providence has indeed bestowed me with a modicum of this ability. And it is to these deductive powers that I turned now . I reasoned that the clump of coconut trees placed there could well be a source of the precious life saving fluid I was so severely in want of. So i took swift aim with my Colt revolver and fired lustily at them."

"But what astoundingly clever thinking , my dear fellow !" I ejaculated , marvelling again at his genius.

The emotion in Holmes' reply startled me. " It was a mirage , Watson, a mirage !" he cried " In reality there was not an inch of green in those infernal sands. To make matters worse , i had exhausted the last of my revolver bullets .
And then the hellhound accosted me. Moriarty was armed to the teeth with both gun and grenade. And there I was dehydrated and de-armed. It looked like the end was nigh , Watson - I was to be exterminated by a viper and a vermin then. I abjured my pride , sir , and pleaded with him to spare me. 

I pointed out that I too was a part of the planet he so wanted to save. I especially stressed upon my support for his position on global warming. (And what more appropriate a context in which to do so , I said). I swore to reduce my carbon footprint. I gave him my word that I'd switch to recycled products. I promised to be on more friendly terms with whales and dolphins. I professed my love for the endangered tiger. I expressed my deep sympathies with the extinct emu. All to no avail , Watson. 

The fiend was determined to finish me. He fired at me . Luckily , he missed. It is my considered advice now to those set upon going green with their guns to reconsider the use of recycled bullets. Then , he hurled a grenade at me. Again , it did not go off. Why ? My dear Watson , but it was solar powered and - as devices based on unentrenched technology often will - it malfunctioned. So there we were at last , both evenly unarmed. "

" Ah , so you overpowered him in direct body combat !" , i said.

Holmes appeared evasive: " Not precisely Watson , not precisely." He hesitated for a moment. "Truth be told Watson , I took to my heels and fled."

" What !" , i cried. I was stung by this revelation. Had we all got it wrong then ? " How did he die then , Holmes ? Out with it man ! Tell me for the sake of all that is honourable in this world !"

Holmes replied uncertainly : " A cosmic force of nature accounted for him. "

I could brook no further nonsense. " Come come Holmes ! Arrive directly at the point , sir" , I snapped.

A sheepish Holmes returned quietly : " He perished of sunstroke." 

Then he quickly added : " But it took me  not two moments to deduce the cause of his death, Watson "

At Your Service , Sir ( - And Mine)

My neighbour Charlie had just got back in from a car service appointment when i ran into him yesterday. "Gosh , these things are so expensive. I mean,heck, that was like paying rent." , said Charlie with much feeling. "I got that car free alright but now i'm more than making up with the service charges . Ought to be a law i tell you". The car was a prize he'd won at a ''guess-what's-inside-the-food hamper-and-win-a-car" competition. (Nobody else ever stood a chance did they)

I clucked my sympathies. " Well , no such thing as a free lunch after all and all that . . . " , i said by way of consolation. At which Charlie began to hurry home. Lunch hour was nigh. Now , inflation may well be making meat and potatoes dearer but rest assured it's nowhere as dear as they are to Charlie's heart.

Then , evidently struck by an afterthought , Charlie turned around abruptly. " You know , it's not just the money", he said, " It's the language. They don't even speak our language anymore. Like , when the bloke was reading out the job list , i don't believe he was speaking English...". I expressed the belated hope that said person didn't confine himself to , say , Aramaic or Latin.

Oblivious to my remark , a puzzled looking Charlie continued : " I mean , this is what he said : ' $$ , $$ $$$$ $$ : $ 230 $$ $$$$ , $ 41 $$$$$ , $$$$$$$ $$$$ $$ $ 422 , $ 490 $$ $$$$$$$ , $$$ $ 272 $$$ $$$$$$. $$ ! $$$ $$$ $$$ ? $$ $$$ ! $$$$ $$ $45 : $$$$'$ $$ $$ $1,500.' "

My funny Valentine

It was Valentine’s day. Valentine woke up with a smile on his face for he knew the day was his. And he got out from the right side of the bed. Which was good as there was a wall on the left side of the bed. Valentine brushed his teeth as he always did on this day. Valentine had a hearty breakfast and it was very good. Valentine set out for work but his boss called to say he could take the day off as it was his day.

So Valentine hung around doing nothing for a while. That was a bit boring but then Valentine had a call from a film producer who said he was going to make a movie called “My name is Valentine” and the lead role would go to him. To Valentine, that is, not the producer. It was Valentine’s day after all, not the producer’s ! The locality hooligan said at first that he’d ban it – the film that is ,not the locality , though the hooligan wouldn’t have minded banning the locality too– but then the hooligan changed his mind as it was Valentine’s day after all.

Valentine received several cards that said Happy You Day. These Valentine replied with very gracious Thank You And The Same To Me notes . Valentine made a few investments and they instantly produced very happy returns. All this made Valentine very happy. They’d have made you very happy too if only you’d taken a few investment tips from Valentine. Don’t you just wish you’d taken a few investment tips from Valentine ?

All in all Valentine had a splendid day. At the end of it , Valentine penned down a couple of poems – on the occasion of Valentine’s day of course. They went like this :

Pledging My Love

Many are my jokes to have you all in stitches

Vast is the treasure trove of all my riches.

But sweet my love ! I shall give them all up for thee

On the 31st day of February.

Hey Tude

My very dear Gertrude

I gave you all my lovitude

Gave you very wide latitude

But the face you pull is longitude

And you mouth these platitudes

You show zero gratitude

And now you give me attitude ?!

Now , don't you just wish you'd made a hasty exit right after those investment tips ?

Constant Craving

“Why must news channels be so jarringly loud all the time?” I said to my neighbor Charlie.

This after a news station promo had shot out like a shrieking banshee from my rickety TV set when I switched it on , causing equal damage to both ear and equanimity.

“Ah, it’s the constant craving”, said Charlie. “Constant craving for audiences on the part of the media and for excitement on the part of the audiences. Keeping it loud works well for both. .”

Charlie is so used to the Important-If-It’s-Loud scheme of things that he turns up the volume to max whenever there are no big news stories on. This apparently helps make believe that there are terrifically big news stories on. Charlie has relented at times only upon Mrs. Charlie taking exception and that only at the fear of a lost plate of roast beef. (In Charlie’s newspaper , that would be a headline tragedy of epic proportion. Those familiar will know that Charlie and hot dinner are no frosty strangers.)

“Now all this talk of sub-par news media ? I don’t buy that. On the contrary I think what we have at hand is very balanced news coverage. Take global warming. For three months they covered nothing else. And now all we hear about is how the half the world is all snowed in.”

He’s a strange one , my neighbor Charlie , apt to blow hot and cold about things from time to time but with a guy like that ,you sure don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

It’s towards loud.

Bespokely,Holistically and Synergestically Yours

" Martha , i spot synergies in our core affinities .we should leverage these going forward and arrive at a seamless integration. i bring a best of breed , customer-centric philosophy to the table. this bespoke solution is a win-win. pls advise ASAP.Regards.John."

"John , this is no low hanging fruit so pls manage expectations. Your proposition is not scalable. Declining is a strategic imperative. Mike is the only talent that gets any traction with me ; in fact i think he's quite cutting edge. i'm eyeing a possible M&A there. Best.Martha"

"Martha , your evaluation was not holistic and missed the big picture. i urge an out-of-the box approach. pls consider a paradigm shift. John."

"John , my analysis is robust.here's some value-added insight : it's a no. Martha."

" Bitch !"

" Jerk ! "

Any colour you like

“White ! ” cried Charlie bubbly as they come.

I was quick to point out my utter lack of interest in the colour of his vest.

That clearly deflated poor Charlie’s enthusiasm . “ It’s so unfair !”, said Charlie “ The colour thing women were onto on Facebook. What about us men , what about something similar for us , like raising awareness of , er,..oh,lung cancer, for Pete’s Sake ! ” . It could hardly have been for , say , Paulina’s sake. That's Charlie’s thing,consistency.

I managed to calm him down. Tweeting him an update or a joke usually does it and it did now. Charlie lightened up a bit. Gradually he let on what was really troubling him. He brandished a copy of The Economist . It had to do with personal hygiene in 17th century Europe. “The thing is” , said Charlie , face clouding over “the missus has had the same colour posted on her FB update over three days running now. I’ve questioned her about it but she’s in denial mode and just refuses to make a clean breast of things ”. And i know that Charlie - who loves his dinner as dearly as the next man, perhaps even a morsel more - has to keep things closer to his chest than he'd like.

I assured Charlie that worse things have been known to happen. Such as having sheep thrown at you while you were having a bad day at Mafia Wars. I thought I saw Charlie nod in agreement but of course it might only have been somebody giving him a poke.

Acres Wild

My neighbour Charlie wants Facebook banned. Turns out his wife first spent all her time talking to her plants at FarmVille - which meant cold take outs for dinner - and then tried watering them. Charlie has to buy a new laptop now. He is livid. I clucked my sympathies. Money didn't grow on trees after all, i offered.

"Money ?" says Charlie "It's not money , it's time. Shopping for a new laptop will eat into my Facebook time"

FarmVille is growing in spades. Sure , many don't dig it. They think it's a soil on their screens. Others bemoan the spawning of a generation of vegetables.As somebody put it , it's only food for nought. Irritation not irrigation is how somebody else summed it up. Mad Plough disease , another critic screamed. FarmVille has certainly produced fertile ground for such debates.

On the other side are the die hards merrily throwing sheep at those debates. Just harvest it , goes their POV , make hay while the power light shines. It may be a cash cow for the developers to milk , they say , but everybody gets their just desserts. After all , it's not everywhere that you can read what you sow.

FarmVille is out of the barn now and into the highest echelons of both government and business decision making. Up next are parliamentary debates on FarmVille subsidies and suicide cases in developing countries with acute power shortages which prevent people from accessing FV.

And a Silicon Valley start up is close to releasing a technology that enables users to convert power from their PC cables into water to irrigate their FarmVille acreage. The Venture Capital guys have already put the team pictures into their My Best Friends collage on Facebook.

All a bit too late in the day for Charlie of course...

15 minute minutes , or less

My neighbour Charlie came around this morning to say his five year old son Chris had accidentally got into a space shuttle that had taken off and was now in orbit.

"The TV folks are covering Mrs. Nelson's missing knitting needles right now,Charlie - and besides people're pretty much going off Reality TV ,you know.", I said.

"Oh well, in that case , i'd better run along and get the little blighter off the attic. Goodness knows what a mess he must have made up there." , replied Charlie.

He looked worried ; and well he would.Five year olds left to their own devices are not especially known for leaving any of them intact.

A Nobel Green-Planet Thought (or - Peaced Off ?)

Nikkelendime Airways believes using aircraft toilets is green-unfriendly and energy-inefficient. So it asks passengers to dispose of unfinished business at the airport before boarding. Things went a bit far yesterday - though flight NK 123 evidently didn't,mind - when said flight reversed direction midway to fly back to the departure airport because somebody wanted to go to the bathroom. Must have really pissed off the passengers -especially as the pilot then took an extra 30 minutes to update his FB status.

Meanwhile , my neighbour Charlie says he is aiming for a Nobel Prize. I asked him what his specialisation was. He's a Fortune Cookie whiz ,to be sure, but I wasn't aware that's a Nobel field yet.

"I'll be taking a shot at the Peace." he says.

Contact your least popular news blog for advance autographs , shall be happy to oblige.

Love - and, of course , peace.

Inglourious Callcenterd

This phone conversation happened a few months ago.

ME : " Hello , I'd like to book an appointment with Dr. X for next Sunday"

LADY 1 : " Sir , would you like an afternoon or a morning slot ?"

ME : "Is afternoon available?"

LADY 1 : " No, sir."

Then this a couple of days later.

ME : "Um , I have an appointment with Dr.X for next Sunday......(etc) Can i reschedule it to Wednesday ?"

LADY 2 : " Wednesday...OK sir. Would you like a morning or afternoon slot ?"

ME : " Afternoon'd be great. Is that available ?"

LADY 2 : "No,sir"

Obviously , customer is king , customer choice queen and reading out from your Customer Service training manual algorithm an absolute God. Sweet !

And then this one happened today :

ME : "Hello, I'd like to book two tickets for Inglourious Basterds , 9PM , at X "

LADY 3 : ".......(details , etc)....Sir ,can i have your last name ? "

(Five minutes getting that it in)

LADY 3 : "And your first name , sir"

ME : " Bhaskar. That's B-H-A-S..."

LADY 3 (cuts in) : " B-H-A-S-T-E-R-D , sir ?"

We covered the bit about reading out from the movie list as being an absolute God ? Well, she did need to sound a whole lot brighter for me to attribute anything more to it than that. Or at least so i hope !

Stranger and more inglourious things can happen on a phone call than Herr Furher melting into his swastika in a cinema hall fire.

Status Quo Vadis (or - What's On Your Mind ?)

Sorry , i can't write this post. As i have to go update my Facebook status to say i can't write this post.

Love Minus Zero / No Limit (When not on song)

You've probably not heard of Ennuienthusiasts.That's a cutting edge- Sociology term for people who are so put out by the pace and excitement of our modern day life that they actively pursue boredom. It's a phenomenon that social scientists are uncovering across an entire gamut of activities.

Its cricketing manifestation is radical. It started off at first with a marked preference for low scoring games . It has since evolved into a demand for no scoring games. The winner is whoever loses fewer wickets . For example :

--> Team A : 0/0 after 50 overs - beat - Team B : 0/1 after 50 overs

Ennuienthusiasts can't seem to get enough of sitting through an entire day of cricket watching no runs being scored off 100 overs . Things went into extremes last week at a club game when a bowler had the misfortune of bowling a no ball. Which caused a run to get scored.

Rioting almost ensued.

Almost . But not quite , of course - as that would have meant excitement.

PS : as for the word "Ennuienthusiast", I wouldn't look it up in a dictionary. Not even a cutting edge -Sociology one.

The Woodstock look

Quite.

You can almost see the lice crawling out , right ?