My Phony Valentine

It was Valentine's day.

Valentine woke up and checked his phone. The "Happy You Day" messages in it made Valentine quite happy indeed. Valentine spent some time with his phone before getting ready for work which he did while staring at his phone. Then he left for work and,because he was driving, he didn't stare at his phone except only occasionally. That's not all that rare - I once saw a man who was not staring at his phone. Not for around five minutes anyway. 

The security guard in the office building looked up from his phone to wish Valentine on his special day. In the lift , people nodded at him without looking away from their phones - nodded at Valentine that is, not the security guard who was not in the lift and whose day it was not anyway !

At the office Val's colleagues who were all on their phones sent him You Day messages. Valentine's boss looked up from his phone to wish Valentine and to say that he - Valentine that is, not the boss- could take the day off. Valentine's boss , who didn't take the day off, then went back to staring at his phone.

Valentine treated himself to a movie on his phone. And he did so over a nice  meal which he ordered on his phone. It took a bit longer than usual as the delivery man had an accident while staring at his phone when he bumped into a man who was also staring at his phone -  his own phone , that is , not the delivery man's. It was clearly not their day.

Valentine went to bed very pleased at how splendidly the day had turned out. It would wouldn't it , it was his own day after all ! Then Valentine spent some time with his phone - who knows, perhaps reading the older Valentine posts on this silly blog ? He found them here and so can you.

Although, sorry, the day is still not yours. It's Valentine's. 

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day. Lucky stiff. I bet there's no day named after you !

But who is this Valentine who sends people into paroxysms of  Hallmark handing, bouquet buying, gift giving and dinner dating  ? What is his age and gender ? And height and weight ? What are his hobbies ? What is his favorite color ? Red , I'm guessing. What does he do on weekends  and what are his politics ? 

What are his views on the financial crisis and should they matter ? Did he lie to his mother as a child?  Did his father frequently spank his bottom and has that altered his psyche? How does he conduct himself in a crowded elevator : does he look up or down ? Where does he stand on Global Warming ? 

Nobody knows. You can't think of many other people we know so little about who have had days named after them - reassuringly tiny, note, as that number already is.  

Take St. Patrick. No , hang on. Don't  take St. Patrick. Because you don't anyway. I mean, know anybody who is moved to sweet nothings on account of St.P ? Or to wear bright red shirts ? Or to  hang up bright red hearts on their walls ? 

Unlike many other famous people though, I don't think there are  things like airports, train stations , streets and localities named after Valentine.Nor are there any Valentine postage stamps.

That's smart planning. I mean, picture this at a post office : 

Mailman 1 (wincing) : "Where's that - ugh-  red heart stamp going ?"

Mailman 2 : " To my dustbin" (tosses package to bin)

My funny Valentine

It was Valentine’s day. Valentine woke up with a smile on his face for he knew the day was his. And he got out from the right side of the bed. Which was good as there was a wall on the left side of the bed. Valentine brushed his teeth as he always did on this day. Valentine had a hearty breakfast and it was very good. Valentine set out for work but his boss called to say he could take the day off as it was his day.

So Valentine hung around doing nothing for a while. That was a bit boring but then Valentine had a call from a film producer who said he was going to make a movie called “My name is Valentine” and the lead role would go to him. To Valentine, that is, not the producer. It was Valentine’s day after all, not the producer’s ! The locality hooligan said at first that he’d ban it – the film that is ,not the locality , though the hooligan wouldn’t have minded banning the locality too– but then the hooligan changed his mind as it was Valentine’s day after all.

Valentine received several cards that said Happy You Day. These Valentine replied with very gracious Thank You And The Same To Me notes . Valentine made a few investments and they instantly produced very happy returns. All this made Valentine very happy. They’d have made you very happy too if only you’d taken a few investment tips from Valentine. Don’t you just wish you’d taken a few investment tips from Valentine ?

All in all Valentine had a splendid day. At the end of it , Valentine penned down a couple of poems – on the occasion of Valentine’s day of course. They went like this :

Pledging My Love

Many are my jokes to have you all in stitches

Vast is the treasure trove of all my riches.

But sweet my love ! I shall give them all up for thee

On the 31st day of February.

Hey Tude

My very dear Gertrude

I gave you all my lovitude

Gave you very wide latitude

But the face you pull is longitude

And you mouth these platitudes

You show zero gratitude

And now you give me attitude ?!

Now , don't you just wish you'd made a hasty exit right after those investment tips ?