Ogden Nashandy (with due apologies)

Shandy
Is dandy !
No other liquor
Could be quicker.

Uptalk ? ( #That'swhatshesaid? )

I met a teenager the other day ? She didn't look up from her phone ? I don't blame her ? It was probably the weight of the earphones ?

I asked how she was doing ? And she said : "Hashtag whatever? Hashtag that'swhatshesaid?"

'Hashtag' I get ? Like, a couple of generations ago kids used to be like totally  into hash? And now they're like totally into hashtag ? I get it ?

But  'that's what she said ?'

That's what WHO said?

Turns out 'that's what she said' is a way to turn anything into a sexual joke ? It began like that and now   teens say it anyway to complete their sentences ? It's one more way of using their mouth ?  Like hashtag chewing hashtag gum ? That's what she said ?

OK so now apparently 'TWSS' peaked a couple of years ago? So this girl feels really,like,old ? Like 18? She's old ? That's what she said ?

I read about 'Uptalk' today ? You can read about it here ?

Hashtag whatever ?  

Lord Meghnad Desi

How does M. Desai , a Londoner who lives in Times Now
Manage the feat of being both in the UK and India somehow ?
While it may well be the enduring ties of the umbilical cord
I still think it's  very omnipresent on the part of the Lord.

(Disclaimer : This post is just for a little bit of a giggle. No malice or disrespect in any form or manner intended towards Lord Desai) 

Pater Pan / Father's Day

Today's Father's Day. Or is it tomorrow ? Seeing as how there's a do at my kid's school the day after tomorrow, it may well be then. Of course it might even be on all three days. Or it could have been yesterday possibly. Who knows ? 

See,it's hard to tell with these things. There's only one person in the world who knows : one's dad, of course. And if one's dad knows about it , could one's mom be far behind ? 

No, she could not ! 

Now you know why there's also a Mother's Day.

Now some say every day is fit to be Father's Day.Clearly marketers haven't heard that one or it'd be Father's Day all year round. And if it is Father's Day all year round could Mother's Day all year round be very far behind ? 

No, it could not ! 

So every day would be Father's Day and it would also be Mother's Day. Can you imagine the abundance of love and gratitude and appreciation and bickering that'd bring ? 

FATHER : " It's my day"

MOTHER : " The hell it is. It's mine ! "

CHILD : " Oh please , mom, dad. You're embarrassing me."

FATHER & MOTHER : " Get the hell out of here, pest !"

CHILD: " But I got you cards !"

FATHER : " I chucked it in the trash" 

MOTHER : " I, er, misplaced mine."

CHILD : " Waaaahhhh"

MOTHER : " Now don't ruin my day, kid."

FATHER : " Your day ? Overbearing shrew !"

MOTHER : " Asshole."

CHILD : "Waaaahhhh"

Pretty it ain't.

Which is why we can be glad there's only one Father's Day. 

Question is : when is it ? Today ? Tomorrow ? The day after ? Heck, yesterday ? 

Now I know I said one's dad knew. But mine ? Mine jolly well doesn't. I mean, rule it out man ! For one, he's a bit hard of hearing. For another, he'd be gobsmacked. You see every day was Father's Day for him and it consisted almost entirely of receiving a few of the juiciest on the seat of his pants from his daddy.And I'll be blown if he went around writing words of love, gratitude and appreciation for his pains. 

Happy Father's Day. When is it ?

Ink is mightier than the sword

Shri Subroto Roy alias Sahara Shree 

Was assaulted ere he could flee.

Before the ink had  dried on the case

Yo Yadav got some on his face

And of course well before it all 

Was the smearing of Kejriwal. 

The rallying cry these heady days I think 

Is that the sword is weaker than ink 

(c) Bhaskar Khaund

(NOTE : As of date I support the Aam Aadmi Party and any other new party that shares the politics they represent in India. However , neither this blog nor this post has anything to do with either my political views or with politics in general. This is strictly for a laugh and in the spirit of fun. It should not be misconstrued in any other way)

Whyrus Virus ?

What led to this abrupt awakening so late

Of a virus ancienter than Cyrus The Great ?

Perhaps, bored stiff under subterranean ice,

It thought a microscope would be nice.

It doesn't know the internet nor Justin Bieber
Deprived for 30,000 years without amoeba

It looks odd , somewhat like the footprint of a yeti

(Not that anybody's seen a yeti, not even a Veti)

The virus' non-virulence comes as a relief

Although I'd still culture a germ of disbelief 

Are we sure that this little old Rip Van Winkle 

Is incapable of causing a crinkle or a wrinkle ?

Mind. You don't want to get too close or thick !

An infection could get you feeling very Jurasick.

("30,000 year old giant virus comes back to life")

(C) Bhaskar Khaund

Without Pride Or Prejudice

Noting this without pride or prejudice

Old books are poised on a precipice.

Second hand Jane Austens in my locality

Are going for mere cents and sensibility.

(c) Bhaskar Khaund

Giraffes Are Gentlemen

On decorum and protocol

The giraffe stands very tall.
Crime pages on the Telegraph
Never feature any Giriffraff

(With due nods, respects and deference to the one and only Ogden Nash)

(c) Bhaskar Khaund

Yo ! Hippo ! (or , Making A Hash Of Nash)

So large is the African  hippopotamus 

A single one makes a river over-populous.

"One hippo is company" they say aloud

"Two hippos ? ... A crowd ! "

Although touristy and popular

The hippo's not jovial or jocular.

It remains silent and in stasis

As though under hipponosis.

A hippopotamus is rarely if ever emotional.

Melodramatic hippos are purely notional.

The hippo hallmark is a marked reticence

To display feelings of guilt or innocence.

I have it in good authority from a ranger

That an upset hippo poses a danger. 

If you ever give a hippo a hoick

It is unlikely to remain stoic.

A man who once tried to tease a hippo

Found that was no way to please a hippo.

Another who tried to stimulate it with books

Now happens to emulate its looks.

The hippopotamus to us  is pure mystery !

What are its hobbies ? What's its history ?

Does it care about its habitat being in a mess ?

On current evidence , it  couldn't care less.

About the musical tastes of the hippopotamus

Not  very much is known to us.

Does it prefer classical , jazz , or pop ? 

Perhaps  just a little Hippo Hop.

(Inspired by the one and only Ogden Nash)

(c)  Bhaskar Khaund

Comrade Cat Of Qingdao

The cats make a beeline for the Feline
Communist Party of Qingdao.
The comrades align under the benign
Leadership of Chairman Meow

This post is in a lighter vein and is totally non-political. It is not meant to be disrespectful to any nation  , ideology or belief , none of which it has anything to do with . Any reference is only  in the spirit of  fun !

Phony Tapping - or, All Is Quiet On The Eastern Front

Sachin 200 : The retirement series in a parallel universe - 1

The first in a series exploring what  if  Sachin's much celebrated final Test series against the West Indies were to pan out in a radically different - not to mention very weird - way.

(to be continued)

The Run Machines of Indian cricket

Your Namesis

You're terrible at remembering names. You're at this party. You meet these two guys you've met  a few times before. Needless to say you can't for the life of you place their names. You converse with them in separate groups. Enjoyable conversations. Fun topics , lots of laughter. 

Then it's time to leave. The thought of not addressing them by name while saying bye is torturing you. The inability to find a tactful way of finding out is killing you. You sit there.Mind racing, nerves in a frightful twist. 

And then.

One guy has joined the other on the sofa right next to you. And the first guy says to the second : 

" Hey we haven't met..." 

Which side of the bed did you get up from that morning ? Flag it , frame it , gamble from it. Worship it. 

BUT  then.

This second guy. Your worst enemy. The bane of your existence. All he has to do is say his name. But this is what he does say : " Uh we did meet here last year ,I've seen you before "  

They have a very brief chat about something or the other , neither of which includes names. Then one of them gets up to get a drink.

It's over. 

Losing It

Losing weight is easy ! All you have to do is two things.

A. Exercise. Exercise, exercise and more exercise ! The following is a good plan to follow :

• Morning : Cycle 5 km , run 5 km, skip rope x 100 times / Shoulder and bench press-5 sets x 12 reps , arm and leg curls and back rowing - 5 sets x 100 reps, free lifts of maximum possible weight / Wind down by repeating the cardio step  also adding 30 minutes on the stepper
• Afternoon : Repeat morning program
• Evening :   Repeat morning program
• Night :  You'll probably still be at the Evening program ; if not, repeat morning program
• Through the day : take the stairs instead of the lift, do plenty of chores , walk around   

B. Eat nothing. Here's a recommended diet plan :

• Breakfast :1 bowl nothing+1 fresh seasonal nothing+1 cup skimmed nothing
• Snack : 2 pcs wholemeal nothing
• Lunch : 1 bowl nothing + 250 gm grilled nothing + 1 cup fresh nothing
• Snack : You've got to be joking
• Dinner : Stare at but don't touch - 1/4 cup rice & greens salad + 250 gm salmon fillet
• Through the day : When hungry (which will be always) , pray. 

Follow this simple program and very soon you'll not only lose a lot of weight but will also die.

To really go for the burn and get to that perfect size zero quickly, opt for cremation.