The continuing misadventures of Sherlock Holmes - 1

It was on a cold and foggy afternoon that Mrs. Hudson presented us with the visiting card of a Mr. J.L.Seagull. No sooner had she done so than Mr. Seagull himself rushed into our apartment at 221 B Baker Street in a state of utmost agitation.

“Mr. Sherlock Holmes? I can barely state the despair that has provoked this uninvited visit, Sir but you must understand ….”

“Ah! Let me see now.” Holmes cut in. “ You have lived in India , no doubt in the Khyber where you served for a few stable if undistinguished years. You are currently stationed in London. You own a modest trading establishment and your wife helps with the accounts. I see also that your taste in tobacco runs to Virginia although you are not very particular as regards the make of your pipe.”

“I could not claim these observations to be true, Mr. Holmes”, said a visibly disappointed Mr. Seagull “For I am a bachelor and have lived in Surrey all my life. I am employed as a postal clerk with Living Living Living & Living. As to my taste in tobacco, it runs to nothing if it runs to anything at all, Sir, for I do not smoke.”

“Confound it - not again ! Oh well, I tried . . .”, I heard Holmes mutter under his breath.

Chennai Super Kris

Last night's game. Chennai Super Kings v Rajasthan Royals.

Asnodkar has a swipe at midwicket . No runs.

Kris Srikanth waxes exciteloquent - " You know I like this man Asnodkar. He's not afraid to take risks. This is 20-20. A batsman has to take a few risks , there's just too little time. And if you haven't taken those risks by the 5th of 6th over it may be too late...i'm very impressed with this lad.this is the right time to take a chance and score some quick runs."

Well said . After all the Royals had only 10 wickets in hand to chase down a mammoth 110 at an all too improbable RR of 5.5 per over.

Anatomy of a hotel (urgently noticed)

Burning Love (Fish with mine please)

In Punjab , India , a love song on TV recently provoked a woman into burning herself as proof of her love for her husband. Sequence of events :
- Love song on TV
- Wife : “Oh I love you sooo much”
- Husband : “How much ? Show me !”
- Wife pours kerosene on herself and proceeds to set herself aflame

I can well imagine a variation on this – as follows :
- Love song on TV
- Wife : “Oh I love you sooo much”
- Husband : : “How much ? Show me !”
- Wife pours kerosene on her husband and proceeds to set him aflame

The following would be a good middle ground :
- Love song on TV
- Wife : “Oh I love you sooo much”
- Husband : : “How much ? Show me !”
- Wife : "I’ll make you some nice fish curry."
- Wife proceeds to kitchen

Yum !

It really was his day

It was Valentine’s day.

He woke up that morning and it was from the right side of his bed.

The sun was up. The sky was blue. There were birds chirping. The one bird that had planned on not chirping had quite forgotten the plan.

Valentine hummed a merry tune as he showered.

“I think it’s going to be my day”, thought Valentine .

At breakfast , the eggs were done just right and the coffee was perfect.

Valentine set out for work. He switched on the car radio and lo ! it was playing his favourite song. A black cat was about to cross Valetine’s path but decided against it.
(Black cat : “Heck , I have eight other lives to do it , pal Val. You go right ahead”)

A message from the government was waiting when Valentine arrived at work :
“Dear Valentine , we thought this might be your day. (Signed) The Government ”. Valentine was very pleased.

Another message arrived soon after from the Finance ministry :
“Dear Valentine , we were planning to impose a 40% Day Ownership Tax but ran out of ink. (Signed) The Finance Ministry”. Valentine was very pleased.

Valentine spent a pleasant morning at work. Then his boss gave him the afternoon off
(Boss : “That’s the way this blog post goes , Valentine”)

Valentine spent the afternoon at the movies. There was a promotion on and the popcorn came with a free coke. The coke was chilled to just the right temperature ! A pretty girl went up to Valentine and said : “You’re adorable !” .

She gave him a Hallmark card that said : “ I think it’s your day ”. Valentine was very pleased.

Valentine got home and what should be for dinner but his favourite roast ! Valentine sighed with pleasure. It was with a happy smile on his face that Valentine went to bed for a refreshing night’s sleep. And why not ! Don’t you just wish you’d checked with him before buying that stock ?

We Are Family (I’ve got Sister Oprah on TV)

Surfing lands you , alas , at Oprah.

Guests on this one are Joseph Simmons a.k.a DJ Run a.k.a Rev Run , ex-vocalist of Run DMC and his family :
-Rev Run : 1 nos.
-Mrs.Rev : 1 nos.
-Daughters : 3 nos.
-Sons : 3 nos.
Numbers enough to make the cast of a Reality show –which apparently they are.

Rev Run raps the good , wholesome and upright rap. Rev Run is now a priest and this sermon on the mounted camera is about Family.

Says Run : “It’s important to realize a family is something you make”.

Oprah -bright eyed , nodding , eager , interested , leaning forward- repeats :

“Uh-huh, a family is something you make”.

“The family that plays together ….” says Oprah in voice over -

- Cue shots of the brood shooting basket in the family yard , swimming at the family pool and bowling on the family outing

“…and prays together…”

- Cut to shot of the family praying under the Reverend’s watchful eyes

“…stays together”

- Cut to the happy and huge Rev family back live at the studio with OW.

Much applause from audience as OW continues

“He’s a doting father….”

- Cue shots of Rev Run at various stages of being doting daddy to the kids Run

“….and an adoring husband”

- Cut to shot of Mr. and Mrs. Rev locked in a tender kiss. .“ I love you” says Mrs. Rev with a dreamy and For-Reality TV look.

Much applause from audience as the screen cuts back to Mr. Rev at the studio

Rev Run : “You gotta schedule the family in and I mean , really schedule…....... in capital letters S…C…H…”

- Cut to me reaching for the remote

Prosaic musings on poetry

The poet and I are strangers.

Where the poet plumbs the sunken depths of the human condition , I get a plumber to fix the condition of the sink. Where the poet soars to the loftiest heights of the human spirit , I take the nearest elevator to the bar. Where I struggle with common sense , the poet shines with uncommon sensitivity. Where I have mere myopia , the poet has vision. (Not that I could find any even with glasses on)

Any wonder , then , that I just didn’t get Shelly’s ‘Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought’ from To A Skylark ? I have somehow never quite managed to equate sad and sweet without recalling an article I had once read on binge eating apparently brought on by depression. Not when the accompanying visuals could have been a Damien Hirst installation or something out of Naked Lunch.

Or take the line before that “Our sincerest laughter / With some pain is fraught”. This idea is also mirrored in that fabulous Kaifi Azmi ghazal from Arth “Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho / Kya gam hain jisko chhupa rahe ho” . The poignant old Laughter- in-Pain motif.

Funnily enough , I can’t think of too many instances of people laughing in pain. Or of people - not least the superior sex - concealing their pain behind a gleeful smile or three. Quite the contrary. Shorter the joy longer the face about describes the average equation.The missus, for instance , was certainly not flashing me any smiles when I accidentally dropped that electric iron on her foot the other day. My instant and very foolish laughter though turned out to be with much pain fraught.

On a parting note :
How would you describe mystery- genre poems of early 19th century America?
- Edgar Allen Poetry !

Surely You're Choking Mr Feignman

Books ! Books !! Books !!!

Fact books. Fiction books. Saucy books. Slanderous books. Thin books. Thick books. Titillating books. Topical books. Poetry books. Political books. Racy books. Rich books. Poor books. Stocks books. Booker books. Broker Books. Psycho books. Ponderous books. Light books. Dark books. Frothy books. Frilly books. Fizzy books. Fuzzy books. Philandering books. Polymorphic books. Poster books. Thriller books. Thick skinned books. Hindu books. Naked books. Film books. Hardbound books. Sports books. Travel books. Adrenalin books. Aspirin books. High heeled books. Hard nosed books. Polished books. Silicone books. Bible books. Brit books. Horror books. Holy books. Bit books. Tender books. Tit books. Peep books. Peek books. Piece books. Peace books. Presbyterian books. War books. Evangelist books. Pornographic books. Text books. Graphic books. Hare Krishna books. Paperback books. Upfront books. Sensational books. Secretive books. Nebulous books. Nook books. Cornerstone books. Watershed books. Landmark books. Literary books. Laugh books. Cry books. Lingerie books. Hare Rama books. Critically acclaimed books. Scrip books. Script books. Cretin books. Dangerous books. Subversive books. Jesus books. Synaptic books. Serious books. Pulp fiction books. Fruit books. Juice books. Jacuzzi books. Bodhidharma books. Bodhisattva books. Zen books. Zoroastrian books. Black books. Malcom X books. Gandhi books. Mandela books. Manson books. Black box books. Out of the box books. Tool books. Endomorphic books. Cosmopolitan books. Pain books. Communist books. Zany books. Books books.

The capital of books is books.

I saw a book once.

Books !

Books !! Books !!!

New Era ..... - Known Era

As my friend rightly put it , this is a New Era of Indian cricket. After all , not only did we did beat Pakistan at home after more than twenty years but also did it in style : beating one of the strongest Pak teams ever boasting such living legends of the game as Yasir Hamid , Salman Butt , Mohammed Sami , Sohail Tanveer and Yasir Arafat.

I think the other difference is that in the past one could predict Indian defeats with perfect certainity. One can't anymore. Take the first Oz test at Melbourne.

These were my predictions at the end of Day One :

- India crashing to a first innings score of 250

- Australia piling on 450 by lunch in their second innings

- Australia wrapping up the match by morning of Day Five.

And these were the actual outcomes :

- India crashed to a first innings score of 196

- Australia made only around 250 odd by lunch in their second innings

- Australia wrapped up the match on Day Four

I got it so completely wrong.

Didn't have to eat humble pie for breakfast though. Thankfully , there were steaming idlis and appams from the Mallu joint downstairs to go with the post-match ceremony.

Happy New Era....er , i mean Year. Have a great 2008 !

Famous Laugh Words

- Synergy

- Holistic

- Strategic imperative

- Paradigm / Paradigm Shift

- Talent

- Solutions

- Quality Time

- In the business of / Not in the business of


Do add in a few more. I’m sure you've heard plenty more of the type.

As for me , I have to go and tend to the plumbing –er,beg pardon ,I mean Bathroom Solutions. The plumber – sorry , and I do mean Bathroom Solutions Manager - did a rather shoddy job, not perhaps spending much quality time on it. I never really used to get much into these things but I take a more holistic approach these days. You could say it’s a paradigm shift in synergy with today’s strategic imperatives. Still , I hope the Solutions Provider company find another talent to replace this guy . After all , I am not in the business of providing solutions to problems arising from solutions provided by Solutions Providers.

Whatever.

The influence of modern art on existentialist writing

Was Kafka’s K the first Cubist? Was Sartre’s Matheau an allegorical depiction of Picasso's Guernica ? Was Camus’ The Plague a lateral interpretation of Dali’s timepieces ?

Today we shall begin on a journey of inquiry : an examination of the influence of modern art on existentialist writing.

Having begun , as I haven’t an inkling what I’m talking about , we shall proceed no further.

A brief and bizarre history of Rock And Roll – 2 : Beatlemania !

The Beatles !

What can you say about them ?

They were the Fab Four !

There were four of them !

All four of them were from Liverpool !

Liverpool’s in England !

The Beatles were English !

They also did a couple of songs in German !

That’s because they did a stint in Hamburg , Germany !

They played nightclubs in Hamburg , Germany !

We don’t know what they did during the day in Hamburg , Germany !

Probably prepared to be famous !

At the time they recorded a very sissy song called My Bonnie !

I am glad it wasn’t my Bonnie !

John Lennon was photographed wearing a toilet seat around his neck !

Some neck !

Some band !

Then Brian Epstein came along !

The band was turned down by Decca Records !

The band was not turned down by EMI Records !

At first The Beatles wore suits !

Later they stopped wearing suits !

Brian Epstein died !

Of drug overdose !

Not because The Beatles had stopped wearing suits !

The Beatles slapped legal suits on one another !

I once got slapped !

In 1964 , The Beatles toured America for the first time !

In 1964 , The Beatles conquered America !

In 1914 , pizzas conquered America !

In 1964 , The Beatles starred in A Hard Day’s Night !

If you care about scripts and plots , it’s a hard day’s watch !

It was made by Richard Lester !

Poor Richard !

In 1965 , The Beatles starred in Help !

If you care about scripts and plots , you’d cry for help !

Poor you !

In 1965 , The Beatles released Rubber Soul !

In 1966, The Beatles released Revolver !

I like !

In 1966 , John Lennon said they were more popular than Jesus Christ !

The Ku Klux Klan didn’t like !

The Ku Klux Klan burnt their records !

They didn’t care much for Revolver !

Except when it came to shooting colored people !

The Ku Klux Klan really enjoyed shooting colored people !

But Revolver the album meant nothing to them ! They probably preferred Love Me Do !

Ku Klux Klan - ya fucking racist sissies!

With lousy dress sense to boot !

What the heck do you wear – bed sheets !

In 1967 , The Beatles released Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band !

In 1967 , butter was discovered , margarine invented and cheese given rights !

1n 1968 , The Beatles released The White Album !

It had a song called I Tamed The Deviant Platypus !

In 1968 , The Beatles cartooned in Yellow Submarine !

In 1968 , The Beatles ate their dinner !

In 1969 , The Beatles released Let It Be and Abbey Road !

In 1969 , Neil Armstrong landed on the moon !

The Beatles had nothing to do with it !

Neil Armstrong had nothing to do with Louis Armstrong or Lance Armstrong !

In 1970 , The Beatles broke up !

Their fans broke down !

The Beatles had taken the world by storm !

If they were around today , they’d be called Katrina !

Girls swooned and fainted !

Boys shouted !

Yeah ! Shouted !

Yeah ! Yeah ! Yeah !

The Beatles got MBE’s from the Queen !

I know someone who has an MBA !

But not from the Queen !

Then The Beatles stopped touring !


They produced some great music in the studio !

This blog is named after one of those songs !

The Beatles floated a company called Apple !

This blog is not named after it !

The Beatles were too stoned to run Apple !

Apple sank !

Now you know why the Queen didn’t give them MBA’s!

Silly hippies !

John Lennon tragically lost his mother !

He wrote a song called Mother !

(But that was much later !)

Paul McCartney tragically wrote a song called Yesterday !

We’re waiting for a song called Tomorrow !

George Harrison was into India and Hinduism !

He was also into Patti Boyd !

Before Eric Clapton got into Patti Boyd !

(But that was a bit later !)

George Harrison wrote songs like Something and While My Guitar Gently Weeps !

His guitar was probably weeping because it was Clapton that played the solo !

George Harrison wrote a song called My Sweet Lord !

My Sweet Lord hasn’t commented on it !

George Harrison named too many Sweet Lords in that song !

It should have been called My Sweet Lords !

They couldn’t figure out which Sweet Lord he was talking to!

Was it Ringo !

Ringo tragically lost all drum sense before he was born !

He wrote a song called Octopus’s Garden !

I ’d really love to listen to it loud in my garden !

If I had a garden !

I’d water the plants every day !

And talk to them !

Paul McCartney hooked up with Linda Eastman !

She became Linda McCartney !

Poor Linda!

John Lennon had his Kodak moment with Yoko Ono !

He became John Ono Lennon !

They formed The Plastic Ono Band !

With Klaus Voorman on bass !

Klaus was a friend from the Hamburg days !

John Lennon underwent Primal Scream therapy from scratch !

The first POB album underwent primal screams from John Lennon !

Poor first POB album !

Paul McCartney formed The Wings !

Danny Lane , ex-Moody Blues , played lead !

Linda ostensibly played keyboards !

John Lennon said Paul McCartney played muzak!

Poor Paul !

George Harrison did a concert for Bangladesh !

Bangladesh never did a concert for George Harrison !

Poor George !

Ringo Starr acted in a few movies !

He set his time machine to 1965 and sang a song called Act Naturally !

The machine was easy to set as it didn’t involve any drumming !

The song was easy to sing as it didn’t involve much singing !

Poor Ringo !

John Lennon wrote a hit called Imagine !

It said Imagine no possession !

The sacrifice it took to write !

Cramped in his 70 acre mansion in Ascot , England !

Poor John !

And so !

The Beatles !

What can you say about them !

This post would never have been !

But for The Beatles !

Rock and Roll would have never been !

But for The Beatles !

The Great Wall Of China would never have been !

But for The Beatles !

The Not-So-Great Wall from Pink Floyd would never have been !

But for The Beatles !

Ptolemy , Plato , the Disney dog Pluto , the dialect Pushto , the nonsensical and utterly nonexistent word Plarishmoxtain and the character Penny Lane in Almost Famous would never have been !

But for The Beatles !

Ladies and gentlemen !

The Beatles !

Yes !

The Beatles !

I have a special Beatles quiz for you !

Here’s the question !

How do you spell ‘The Beatles’ ?

Beatles your answers to The Beatles !

For a chance to win exciting Beatles-based Beatles !

Ten main Beatles and Fifty consolation Beatles on offer ! (*)

But hurry !

Beatles limited !

(*) Contest not open to Beatles relatives. Winners determined by draw of parking lots. Beatles apply.

A brief and bizarre history of Rock And Roll–1:Progress to Punk

I played an old Immersion Lake & Palm Tree CD the other day and fell asleep about 46 minutes into the fourth keyboard solo. When I awoke a couple of hours later, the fourth keyboard solo was about to end. It was followed by a fifth keyboard solo which in turn led to the following solos:

1. Sax; 2. Keyboard ; 3. Bass; 4. Keyboard ; 5. Drums; 6. Xylophone; 7. Sitar; 8. Keyboard ; 6. Congas / percussion; 7. Organ; 8. Trombone; 9. Mellotrone; 10. Keyboard

In all, the song lasted 16 :23:11

It was great. During that time, I went out for dinner, watched a flick and caught up with my eight hours of beauty sleep.

Multitasking music you might call it. I guess the reason they call it Progressive Rock is it was way ahead of its time. Heck, I mean who the hell cared about Multitasking in the 1970’s!

I bet they didn’t even have Multivitamins those days.

Punk fever incubated in the reaction that was building up against the excesses of Prog Rock .

A 60 minute Achilles’ Last Stand was always going to generate more of a last-straw feeling than a whole lotta love even as increasingly larger numbers of people were saying no to Yes.

Punk exploded into Rock And Roll consciousness like a great big naked woman descend upon a church congregation of gay men in dark tweed suits.

Nothing since has perhaps quite equaled the impact. (By contrast, for example, Grunge exploded into Rock And Roll consciousness like a great big naked woman descend upon a church congregation of great big naked women.)

Punk revolutionised Rock And Roll by reinforcing its very basics. As a form, it was simple, basic, short and angry. Everybody forgot their fourth chord and nobody remembered a guitar solo anymore. The troubadours had failed to reach Bombay and every kid’s sympathy was for the new devil.

Nothing epitomized the Punk movement better than its most celebrated exponents – the Sax Canons fronted by that human tour de force Johnny Forgotten along with his equally compelling band mate Sid Vacuous.

Their seminal 1977 album Never Mind The Call Centres (Here’s The Sax Canons) , voted the second most influential Rock album of all time by Rolling Hypotenuse magazine , was a masterpiece of Rock minimalism. It combined edgy, oath-laden lyrics with stripped down instrumentation in a maelstrom of nihilistic energy.

The like of which hadn’t been seen since my neighbour lost her cat .

A few samples :

Long song (Duration : 00:03:44 ; No. of chords : 3) (*)
“ Hey ! #### ### , #### just #### ##### and #### me ####### ####
#### off , unless ## ##### #### here ### #### my ####### #### !
####### hell ### ####### ### that’s all ### #### to ####### do
And all I’m gonna ### #### ## #### ##### ### !
So hey , #### ### !
#### ###!”

(* Expletives deleted – Ed.)

Average length song (Duration : 00:02:10 ; No. of chords : 1) (*)
“ ####### #### ## ! ####### ### ## # ! #### ! #### !
####### #### ## ! ####### ### ## # ! #### ! #### !”

(* Expletives deleted – Ed.)

Short length song (Duration : 00:00:00 ; No. of chords : 0) (*)

(* No expletive to delete – Ed.)

This is an Emergency

This is an emergency. Or rather , an Emergency.

I see Shah Rukh Khan.

The strain of modern life has frayed ye olde blogger’s nerves.

I see Shah Rukh Khan.

And somebody called Sara Khan or Fara Khan or Lara Khan…some name like that.

But with Shah Rukh Khan always.

Shah Rukh Khan, you understand, I see every time.

Every time I switch on NDTV 24x7.

He’s on top of the screen, at the bottom of the screen, in the centre of the screen, by the side of the screen and probably behind the screen too. One of these days he’s going to reach out and whack my CD collection.

I see Shah Rukh Khan.

I tried 24x7 last night for a desi perspective of the Pakistan situation. I got Shah Rukh Khan, many commercials and then Shah Rukh Khan again.

I tried 24x7 this evening for a desi perspective of the Pakistan situation.

I got Shah Rukh Khan , this woman called Sara /Lara / Something Khan and a billion overdressed Bollywood types dancing to a song called , believe this , Om Shanti Om. What , have they all gone and bought themselves irony now?

I see Shah Rukh Khan.

It’s not as though you could try the other desi news channels. They are like a Shah Rukh Khan movie – only , with more song , dance and colour.

I see Shah Rukh Khan.

I must be nuts.

Dheela screw.

To expect a news channel to cover the news !

The stress of modern life has smashed ye olde blogger’s lemon to smithereens.

I see Shah Rukh Khan.

Perhaps MSD saw Shah Rukh Khan too. On 24x7. Once too often.

Tore off some hair ?

Don’t turn to 24x7 for a confirmation.

All you’re going to get is Shah Rukh Khan.

Of QWER Y keyboards ( or , minding my T’s)

They say given enough time, a dog and its master begin to resemble each other. They say it’s the same with couples - which of course is not great news for my wife. I must be spending a lot of time with my laptop . The keyboard has started to resemble my teeth. Sunk amidst cigarette ash , dust and uneven terrain are gaping craters where the 2 and T keys used to be.

Ruthlessly yanked out by my two year old without so much as an apology note. Gone are the days when two year olds would send apology notes after inflicting keyboard damage. These are terrible times. Rendered more terrible, I may add, by the strain of having to type the word ‘terrible’. Or any word with a t in it. I have to copy the letter t from an old document and paste the letter t on current document.

Not exciting.

Try constructing sentences substituting (ouch) Ctrl-V for t. You will likely end up doing the following :

A. Rush headlong into Existentialist Angst (stopping occasionally perhaps only to avoid typing the phrase)
B. See what a p. in the a. the letter t really is : hey, anyone have a word without it?

If you also likely end up doing things other than A and B, shan’t go into them here. Can’t have the list running beyond S. This may be the time and place for it but this is certainly not the keyboard.