La La Lift

"What ho!" I said

"What ho!" said Motty.

"What ho! What ho!"

"What ho! What ho! What ho!"

After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

- P.G.Wodehouse, My Man Jeeves

So okay. Today was the big Oscars fiasco when they mistakenly announced La La Land instead of Moonlight as Best Picture. With Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty at the helm there, it was quite a case of Bonnie and Clyde stealing the show !  

But hey,big deal. These things happen. (For example, there's the Miss Universe screw up in 2015)  

It can get so much worse.

Like when your world turns upside down in a moment - or at least between the beginning and the ending of a sentence.

You're in a lift. Another guy walks in. There are several things you could do. Keeping quiet is not only about the best but also something you'd normally do anyway. However, in this unpredictable and deterministic world that is so devoid of freewill, unseen forces propel you towards epic brain failure and you go  "Hey Long time ! New look, I see?"

Before realizing you've never met this guy before.

The good part is that you reach your floor before he can go beyond a well disguised " Oh good thanks and how have you been?" The bad part is realizing that he works in your building and you'll be seeing him around a fair bit. 

What Faye Dunawaye must have felt would be a walk in the park in comparison. The perils of living in La La Land ! 

What Goes Up Comes Down - But Very Slowly

Lifts - or elevators if that's what you call them (though, even if you're American, why?) -  can cause a good deal of pain and suffering. It's not through any fault of theirs - I mean , okay, so lifts are drab places that you wouldn't spend your holidays in but is that even relevant ? It's what some people do with them. Consider these situations from hottest hell :

(1)  People rush in before you have gotten out.

They also then do not hear your sarcastic one liner (e.g., " in a hurry ! ") because they're already busy pressing their buttons. 

(2)  People press the wrong button 

You're taking the lift down and running very late. The lift stops at some random floor where some woman asks if it's going up. I wouldn't trust her judgement at gunpoint.

(3)  People have pressed all the buttons 

Children and ultra-demented adults have often been known to press all the buttons in a lift to make it stop at every floor. 

(4) People hold you captive with some really boring talk  

You're stuck listening to the guy in the building who may have bored the dinosaurs into extinction. And to make sure you're paying attention he never takes his eyes off yours for a second 

(5)  People hold you captive with some really boring talk about their children 

That same guy talking about his kids ? Enough said. 

(6) People don't keep the door open for you

You've come in needing to use the bathroom. The lift is just about to go up .The person who's seen you rushing makes no attempt to keep the door open as he stares clean past you. What could he have been thinking of ? His own stupidity you hope. 

(7)  People can't  keep the door open for you 

Ditto the previous situation but this time you spot someone in it who you know. BUT this person is so busy smiling and waving at you that they forget to press the Open button. 

So there you are ,  stuck like hell with a bursting bladder , waiting for the damn lift to come down again. What goes up must come down , sure. But  it comes down all too slowly. 

Because on the way there must be a woman who's pressed the wrong button and held the lift up or some ridiculously irritating little kid who're pressed all the buttons on it or that life-threatening bore holding everybody off with kid-talk ?

Oh , hang on , not that guy.  Because here he is now , freshly arrived and  by your side , waiting to give you company through the  longest ever ride to the loo in your whole sorry life. And guess what. He's waving his kid's school report cards at you.