2012 (DA 14) A Space Oddity

2012 DA 14 escaped from the Asteroid Belt.Who can blame it ! Imagine drifting around in an imperfect circle  for a billion years.No internet, no TV, nothing to read, nobody to chat with...Nothing to do  except  tolerate a lot of surreal pebbles wobbling past you.

DA 14 flew past our planet yesterday. They say it came dangerously close. Really ? So long as it didn't cause a jam on Sheikh Zayed Road , Dubai, UAE  I'm okay with the distance.

Besides, not only was it not visible to the naked eye,I couldn't even see it with my glasses on. And you know how it is with  telescopes.You go in to buy one and come out with a smartphone instead.It's all pretty much more Android than asteroid out there.

Oh yeah,another thing the Asteroid Belt lacks is fun apps. Let alone Angry Birds , you'd be lucky  to find even a mildly upset one.

Famous Lost Words

Why do murder victims in crime stories go all cryptic when they die ?

Take the Sherlock Holmes story The Speckled Band. It would have been so much easier for Julie to have just said 'snake'. No, but she has to get her dying tongue in a twist with " the....speckled..band".

How you'd love the coroner's report to read : "Died from the strain of thinking up a cryptic phrase to build the plot. Death by stupidity. Signed."

By the way, if you haven't read The Speckled Band , don't bother now. It was a snake. My apologies. In my defence , I didn't put it there.

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day. Lucky stiff. I bet there's no day named after you !

But who is this Valentine who sends people into paroxysms of  Hallmark handing, bouquet buying, gift giving and dinner dating  ? What is his age and gender ? And height and weight ? What are his hobbies ? What is his favorite color ? Red , I'm guessing. What does he do on weekends  and what are his politics ? 

What are his views on the financial crisis and should they matter ? Did he lie to his mother as a child?  Did his father frequently spank his bottom and has that altered his psyche? How does he conduct himself in a crowded elevator : does he look up or down ? Where does he stand on Global Warming ? 

Nobody knows. You can't think of many other people we know so little about who have had days named after them - reassuringly tiny, note, as that number already is.  

Take St. Patrick. No , hang on. Don't  take St. Patrick. Because you don't anyway. I mean, know anybody who is moved to sweet nothings on account of St.P ? Or to wear bright red shirts ? Or to  hang up bright red hearts on their walls ? 

Unlike many other famous people though, I don't think there are  things like airports, train stations , streets and localities named after Valentine.Nor are there any Valentine postage stamps.

That's smart planning. I mean, picture this at a post office : 

Mailman 1 (wincing) : "Where's that - ugh-  red heart stamp going ?"

Mailman 2 : " To my dustbin" (tosses package to bin)

It's Looking Up , Is It ?

It's morning and you're running horribly late. After waiting for an eternity - during which time it has twice passed you by -you finally get into the elevator. It stops on the fifth floor where an amiable looking gentleman has a question for you.

"Going up?" quoth he.

If the following sequence on the panel -- 22,21,20,19,18,17,16,15,14,13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5 -
along with a well lit down arrow suggested that the elevator was going up , who are you to say no ?

Salesperson Service

All of you sell the same products with the same features and the same prices. So what do you do ? Why, hire  identically morose, rude, disinterested and unlikable salespeople to go with them of course. 

I was out  shopping for a telly  last weekend and having a really hard time deciding between brands.The guy at the first store was so m,r,d and u that it helped : i just walked out of there. The  guy at the second place was no different. Perhaps a bit less r  but also possibly a bit more d. I mean he did attempt a smile and, had a yawn not got in the way, would even have succeeded.

I finally bought my box at a shop where the chappie's body language didn't suggest that he'd either kill or self destruct at the idea of making a sale. That he actually bothered to compare as many as two different models - even going  so  far as to demonstrate half of one - was  further impetus.

Good thing I have such a half-baked conscience. A fully baked one would have constantly reminded me, each time I switched on the TV, of the pain i inflicted on this stoic fellow whose moments of idle leisure i'd so thoughtlessly intruded into. It was definitely very poor Salesperson Service on my part.

Monet (A Floydian Slip)

Monet !
Get away.
Get a good job with more paint
And you're okay.

Monet !
It's a gas.
Grab that brush with both hands
And make a splash.

New car, caviar, Four Star daydream
I think I'll buy me a painting.

Monet !
Get black.
JPEG's alright Jack
Just keep your hands off my Mac.

Monet !
He's a hit.
He don't do none that
DIY toolkit.

I need a high-fidelity first class "Cliffs Of Etretat"
I think what you've got is a photosta'

Monet !
It's a crime.
Spare him fairly
From all that Tie & Dye.

Monet !
So they say
Is not on the anvil today
And if you ask why
Well it's no surprise :
He's long passed away

Away ! Away !
Away ! Away !

('In 1926'?'Yes absolutely in the right'.'I was certainly in the right',etc.)

Just Kidding

My neighbor Charlie took a shine to 'Unleash Your Inner Child :  Be Curious, Be Crazy' , tip number six   from Ten Terrific Tips For Sizzling Success when he first read the piece. ('Like our Facebook page to win a free Sizzling Success Mug').

He's not such a fan anymore. Not after it had unleashed the Outer Adult in his boss.

Which happened when he tried applying it at work. During a business review meeting , his boss had asked  for sales to be increased and costs to be cut . Charlie interrupted mid-sentence to ask why. And Charlie was promptly asked to share his own sales numbers.

"Shan't too ! " said Charlie.

When the other begged Charlie's pardon , Charlie paid no attention. He burst into a sudden giggle instead and said hey how come you have such a funny nose.

The much-zapped boss pulled off a weak laugh and asked what the hell was wrong with Charlie today.Charlie ignored him and carried on singing. He also began to draw something.(The guy next to him was to say later that - seeing as how  it looked like a TV remote mounted on a pair of antennae which of course was absurd - it was probably a creature of some sort, a man possibly) 

The now-irritated boss then asked Charlie to get the fuck out of there and sort himself out. Charlie scowled , pouted , stomped his feet , glared. Then Charlie stood right up and knocked down his chair.

He was howling when they dragged him out of the room.

Charlie ,  now on rest leave , was sipping a thoughtful coffee from his Sizzling Success mug when i met him yesterday. "Naturally I don't blame them." he said  "I look at it from a  holistic perspective."

Tip number one or two, no doubt.

Scenes From A Restaurant - 3

Waiter : "Here's your bill, sir"

Customer : "$150. Hmm...." (whispers) " Er, this is embarrassing but I'm running a bit short here. Could you possibly lend me a tenner."

Waiter : "No."

Customer : " Right. So here's $150 for the bill. And this is the $25 that I'm not going to tip you after all."

Perfect Strangers.

You book flight tickets online.Transaction done you realize that you should have entered the promotion code for a discount.You're at this counter the next day to buy advance tickets for a film festival.You pay up ,collect your tickets,begin to walk.

Afterthought.

You turn around to confirm that a few free passes you've got need to be redeemed just before each screening.No sir , the young lady says , you could have done it right here and why didn't you tell me before paying.You ask if the purchase could not be cancelled.

But you know the answer already.No indeed sir , they could not.

Later walking out in the mellow sunshine you contemplate some. The rich get richer , the poor get poorer.

The unlikely-to-ever-be-rich get bicycles for their fish.

At rip-off prices too no doubt.

What really enhances the quality of your reflection at this point though is remembering that your frequent flyer card was offering a one paid-one free promotion for this festival.

Money and you : this line is probably the closest you've ever been to each other. Or ever likely to be !

Animal Harm (a non-story NOT by George Orwell)

Wild animals were at large (and small too apparently) in Zanesville, Ohio , USA yesterday and while things are now under control , experts believe this might have been a possibility . . .

Scenes From A Restaurant - 2

Waiter : "Here's your wine , sir. Chateau XXX-XXX, 1954. A very charming little wine - gentle of bouquet , gracious and light of body, a hint of earth in the after-taste with just a trace of tannin to tease the tongue. The fruit lingers nearer the surface and produces the first few notes. Monsieur may be aware it is a first growth wine from the Medoc district of Bordeaux. The vineyard . . ."

Customer (interrupting) : "Whatever.Can you just pour it out please."

Waiter (explodes) : " WHAT ! Get out of here you squalid little philistine and don't you dare come back !"

Scenes From A Restaurant - 1

Customer : " John is it ? Good. Recommend cocktails any,John ?"

Waiter : " We are known for our martini, sir"
Customer : " Not martini,thanks.Too dry."
Waiter : " You could have our Singapore Sling then..."
Customer : " Oh yeah.Hmm. No. Not today though."
Waiter : " A good old Tom Collins then ,sir ?"
Customer : "Boring."
Waiter : " Why don't you try our mojito..."
Customer : " Erm, no , no rum please"
Waiter : " I'd try Cosmopolitan - vodka,cointreau,cranberry juice.."

Customer : "No cranberry juice, thanks. What else with vodka ?

Waiter : " Flirtini,sir - vodka , champagne , cointreau, pineapple"
Customer : "Sorry,pineapple did you say, John ?"
Waiter : "Yes"

Customer : " I hate pineapple.OK. Fruit. Any other fruit going?"

Waiter " There's Apple Frost...."

Customer : "That sounds interesting."

Waiter : "Yes.Cider,cinnamon,bourbon,pear bran..."

Customer : "Cinnamon and whisky ! God no ! No ! What else you got?"

Waiter : "There's Jack Frost..."

Customer : "Not a big Tennessee fan i'm afraid.More fruit ?"

Waiter : "Make you a nice fresh strawberry-and-vodka with lime,sir"

Customer : "Strawberry ?! Nah. Just get me some water please."

Waiter : " Still or sparkling ? "

Customer : "Still"

Waiter comes back with a bottle

Customer : " Erm, tap water please, John "

The Sound Of Music - 12

Act 12. Scene 1.

EXT. Somewhere in an Ibiza party. We find Maria sprawled out there cosying up with a young boyfriend. Both are very stoned. A miserable looking Captain von Trapp spots Maria and walks timidly up in her direction. Maria is too stoned and too engrossed to recognise him. She notices him only when the  hapless Captain trips on some stones at which she, alas , bursts into much laughter .

CAPTAIN : " Maria .....!"

MARIA (still blank) : "Hey ! Do i , like , know you Grampa ?"

CAPTAIN : " I , er , ....."

BOYFRIEND : " Now go away, old man. Go on. Get!"

Captain von Trapp tries to protest  but the loud techno music completely drowns him out. The Boyfriend advances towards him. The good Captain beats a hasty retreat. 

Finally he turns towards the camera and breaks into The Sound Of Music title track. 

Does the good Captain look and sound bitter ? Umm,yes, he fairly does. Could it be inferred that he is an ardent fan of the Ibiza scene ? Umm , no , it fairly couldn't.

"Their thrills are alive with the sound of music

A sound that will split a thousand ears.

The pills fill their heart with the sound of music.

My heart wants to fling out every song that it hears.

My heart wants to beat shit outta that lad

And swing him from the trees.

My heart wants to fry them both like Mac fries

Served with cheese.

They laugh like schmucks when i trip and fall over

Stones on my way.

They swing through the night like jackasses learning to bray

I'll go to the hills for my heart is lonely.

I know that i must first hit the provisions store.

My heart has been messed with The Sound Of Music.

And oh boy , was it a bore !"

Act 12. Scene 2.

INT. The war against global warming and environmental degradation looks conclusively lost. We are deep inside a little bunker in Berlin with Herr Furher in retreat. With him are his mistress named Eva Braun and his dog named something else. The dog is howling away in front of a gramaphone horn.

EVA : " I thought i heard the sound of music"

HITLER : "That's the dog trying to imitate his master's voice."

EVA (despondent) : " Oh mein Furher are we quite trapped in here?"

HITLER (angry) : " Vat ! Did you mention Trapp ? Eva , you are all Braun and no brain."

EVA : " Shakespeare ? "

In response , Hitler takes his pistol and shoots her.

Then he shoots himself.

After that , the dog shoots itself. 
But only with a camera.

The image becomes a major record label logo.

(To not be continued)

Act 12

The Sound Of Music - 11

Act 11. Scene 1.
EXTERIOR .  In the Alps somewhere. The von Trapps have escaped but they are having a tough time of it. They are  desperately short of food. After a long and difficult search , they finally spot a camp with a sumptuous spread laid out. Unbeknownst to them , it's part of a Sound Of Music guided tour for tourists. Captain von Trapp  approaches the table  but a man immediately cuts him off.

MAN : " This is for the Sound Of Music tour , sir. Can I see your ticket please ?"

CAPTAIN : "Now look here , I happen to be Captain von Trapp"

MAN : " Yeah ? And I am Lady Gaga. Now get out or I call the police"

Act 11. Scene 2.

EXTERIOR. Some time later. The hungry family marches on tired and morose. Arriving at picturesque meadow cheers up the children a bit.

CHILDREN (brightly) : " Can we all sing Do Re Me now like we used to ?"

MARIA : "Are you crazy ?! Go look for some food !" ---then adds --- " And one of you stay to massage my feet please"

Act 11. Scene 3. 
INTERIOR . The Nazi officers mess. The Generals sit around in despair. It's clear now that despite their best efforts , the von Trapps have escaped for good and are beyond them now. The officers look depressed and tired and haggard. The waiter walks in bringing them orange juice.

GENERAL 1 : " Vat ! Goot gott !! Juice !!! "

G2 : " We hate juice"

G3 : " Out with the juice"

WAITER : " But it's from a good concentrate"

G4 : " Ja , you fool , that's what the camps were for"

G5 : " As you will soon find out , mein gott ! "

Act 11. Scene 4.

EXTERIOR . The Alps again. And now at long last , the family spots help. They run into a family picnic there in the mountains. And it turns out the be someone they know ! In fact , it happens to be Guest 2 from the party of Act 4.

CAPTAIN : " Herr Schmidt ! What a wonderful surprise. In fact , a godsend . We are starving , sir and would greatly appreciate some food."

SCHMIDT (Coldly): " I do not think that will be possible , Captain von Trapp."

CAPTAIN : " Oh please I beg of you, Herr Schmidt. For the love of God !"

SCHMIDT (thinks for a while , then speaks) : " Very well then. But on one condition : you must first sit through three hours of my children singing before we serve you a morsel."

(To be continued)

The Sound Of Music - 10

Act 10. Scene 1. 

INTERIOR. At the concert hall where the get-away has been planned . Uncle Max has lined up the children on stage. Orders from the highest echelons notwithstanding , the program manager is not exactly happy at the prospect of having the von Trapp children sing again.

MANAGER : " Look here , can we at least have fewer of them ? It's bad enough having to listen to an adult von Trapp ..."

MAX : " It's Captain von Trapp's arrangement. And you do know that no less a person than the Furher himself wants the Captain to sing."

MANAGER : " Yes , i know. Still and all , i mean it's a nervous strain for someone such as I used as I am to agreeable chamber music . . . "

MAX : " Ah , chamber music ! I'm sure , old chap , that the Furher will be able to arrange for that - though i wouldn't bet on the 'agreeable' bit there. . ."

Act 10. Scene 2.
INTERIOR . Concert hall. The von Trapp family performs Climb Every Mountain

" Climb every mountain
But do mind that toe !
Follow every blog for
The right boots to go.

(Three of the children walk out offstage)

Climb every mountain
But mind every scream !
Follow every regimen
For calf-muscles like a dream.

A dream that will need
All the protein you can give.
And plenty of stupid exercise
For as long as you live


(The other children go offstage , leaving the Captain and Maria on it)

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream.
Make sure you can swim first
Or it'd all be a bad,bad dream.

A dream that will breed
All the hydrophobia it can give
And a marked disinclination to bathe
For as long as you live

(Maria goes offstage , leaving only the Captain on stage)

You can climb every mountain
But i must go check on the wife
You can follow me on Twitter
Every day of your silly life. "
(The Captain goes off stage)


Act 10. Scene 3.
INTERIOR . The concert hall. The Nazi generals in the audience are with Max.

GENERAL 1 : " Himmel , and to think we forced him to sing !"

G2 : " Ja ! The things we subject ourselves to . . . . "

G3 : " Where have they disappeared one by one like that...?"

G4 : " Ja , they haven't run away Detweiler , have they ?"

MAX : " Oh no , that was just part of the act. They're backstage"

G5 : " And what is zis blog ? And zis Twitter he said to follow ? Is it like some closed circuit TV ?"

MAX : " Not really. On the contrary , it's very open. You see General , it's a bit like this : with CCTV you are trying to watch somebody who is usually trying to hide. With Twitter or blogs , it's somebody trying to be watched while you're usually trying to hide."

G1 : " Zat's very clever. You are a smart man , Detweiler."

MAX : " But i still get only three scenes in this movie. And these were my last words"

G1 : " How right you are , Detweiler... ! "

---- G1 takes out a gun and shoots Max Detweiler dead ----

GENERALS 2-5 (shocked) " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! "

G1 : " This schwein fooled us ! The von Trapps have escaped !"

G2-5 (shocked) : " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! How do you know ? "

G1 : " Because Captain von Trapp has tweeted about it. Look !"

Waves his iPhone at them and shows them the tweet

G2-5 (shocked) " Vat ! Gott in Himmel ! "

(To be continued)