Monday, December 27, 2010

The Sound of Music - 8

Act 8. Scene 1.
INTERIOR  Nazi military headquarters. Much agitation as von Trapp's let down is discovered.

GENERAL 1 : " Gott in himmel ! Have you seen von Trapp's Facebook status update ? It says he's decided to stop singing. And he's got a 'Like' on it too "
GENERAL 2 : " We can't allow status quo on that"
GENERAL 3 : " Ja , and it's on his Twitter too "
GENERAL 4 : " Himmel ! In 140 characters ?"
GENERAL 5 (Aside) : " So long as none are from The Sound Of Music"
G3 : "140 characters ? I think it shows zero character"
G1 : " And why has he made this decision ?"
G2 : " He says it's love"
G1 : " Love ? Is this love ? I want to know what love is"
G3 : " What's love got to do with it ?"
G4 : " Ha ! That was a second hand emotion , General"
G3 : " We change his mind for him then ! After all , we are the world ! "
G5 (Aside) : " Mein Gott , this is really getting on my nerves. First that silly movie and now these 1980's pop culture allusions . . . "
G1 :" I agree ! That's vat ve do ! We tell him to either comply or else beat it"

G5 winces

All now rise and sing The Beatles' All You Need Is Love - sort of, anyway

" There's nothing he'd do even though it can be done
There's nothing he'd sing even though it can be sung
Nothing he'd say , he thinks he's learnt to play the game
It's easy.
All he needs is love , (He thinks) All he needs is love , (He says) All he needs is love
Love ! Love is all he needs.

But there's nothing he can refuse that we say can't be refused
By the time we're through with him , none of his bones could ever be reused
And nowhere he can be but wherever the hell we want him to be
It's easy
All he needs is a shove, (All together now) All he needs is a shove , (Everybody !)
All he needs is a shove. A shove ! A shove is all he needs !"

(To be continued)

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Sound Of Music - 7

Act 7. Scene 1.
Houston ! We have a situation ! Because even as the Party have decided that Captain von Trapp must sing the world into Utopia , the good captain himself has taken the momentous decision to abandon singing for the sake of his great love for wild-chick Maria. We find the two of them in
EXTERIOR. Summer pavilion in the von Trapp premises. (Yes , again. This is a low budget remake)

CAPTAIN : " How i love you"
MARIA : "Shakespeare ?"
CAPTAIN : " No , my own words."
MARIA : " Hmm, i thought so..."
Sees that the Captain looks hurt

MARIA (speaks kindly) : " Come on Captain ! Let's sing a duet together. It's alright. One more song can't harm anybody."
CAPTAIN (cheers up) : " Yes , it can be my swan song"
MARIA (mutters under her breath) : " Sounds about apt for a lame duck"

They duet to Something Good , standing there in the soft blue late evening light
(yes , again , low budget , etc)


Perhaps i had a wicked childhood
Perhaps i had a tripped out youth
But whenever weed or speed wouldn't last
There was always a heroin moment to shoot

Here you are now, standing there, nearly not boring me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from your singing
Nothing ever could

So whatever was in my youth or childhood
I've now done something good

I've stopped your singing , dude !

Captain :
For here you are , standing there , laughing at me
Whether or not you should

Maria :
So whatever was in my youth or childhood
I have now done something good
I've stopped your singing , dude !

Maria & The Captain :
Nothing comes from singing
Nothing ever could

Maria :
So whatever was my youth

Captain :
Or childhood

Maria :
I sure have done something . . .

Maria & The Captain :
Something good !

Captain :
I've stopped singing , which is good !

Maria :
Yes , you've stopped singing , dude !

(To be continued)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Sound Of Music - 6

Act 6. Scene 1.
Nazi party headquarters in the newly captured Vienna. High powered conference on. The generals hold animated policy discussions.

General 1 : This Anshluss is Herr Furher's gift to the Fatherland
General 2 : My own father would have preferred beer .....
General 3 : We'll shower our people and all of humanity with love.
General 4 : We'll gift chocolates and Danke cards to all in peace.
General 5 : Our checkposts will hand out red roses with a smile.
General 1 : But achtung ! What of the environment ? And global warming ?
General 2 : And what of poverty ,malnutrition and disease in the Third World ?
General 3 : Ja ! Herr Furher is worrying himself sick over those issues
General 4: We must solve them !
General 5 : And soon !
All : But how ?

They all stand up and sing solemnly , in realisation of the fact that they are hopelessly clueless on the technical apects of these problems

How do you solve the problem of malaria ?
How do you treat a crowd when they're trodden so down ?
How do you heal malnourished victims of diarrhea ?
With a whaddyacallit ? A whatchyamightcallit ? A noun . . . ?

How do you solve the problem of global warming ?
How do you catch carbon emissions and pin them down ?
How do you find a word that means organic farming ?
In a dictionary ! A dictionary ! A good dictionary in town !

Then silence again - until inspiration strikes.

General 1 : I know how ! We put Captain von Trapp in charge ! He will vanquish pollution and poverty with a blitzkrieg of song
General 2 : He'll sing sweetly to the poor and the sick until they are healed
General 3 : Yes , after all "if music be the food of love , play on"
General 4 : Eh ? What ? What ?
General 3 : That was Shakespeare .
General 4 : Oh i see . Did they starve him in Auschwitz ?
General 3 : Not sure - but we need the sound of music around here.
General 5 (slight dismay) : The Sound Of Music ? But the fraulein dragged me along to watch it last year and i hated the movie !
General 2 : Who cares about that !
All : Ja, who cares ! General von Trapp it is - so finally , we have found some use for his infernal singing and for his flowery verse
General 5 (Secret Aside) : Mein Gott ! it couldn't get verse than ze Sound Of Music
(to be continued)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Sound Of Music - 5

ACT 5. Scene 1.
EXTERIOR . Summer pavilion in the von Trapp premises. There we find Liesl and Rolf

ROLF : " I am 17 , going on 18 . . . "
LIESL : " Darling ! But age has nothing to do with true love"
ROLF : " I was talking about the number of people I am helping to send to the concentration camps this month. And now shall we get down to business ?

ACT 5. Scene 2.
INTERIOR . Inside Maria's bedroom in the von Trapp mansion. 
A drenched-to-the-bone Liesl sneaks in through the window.

MARIA (startled) : " What ! What the hell is all this ? "
LIESL : " Oh , i was meeting my boyfriend. Rolf ? I think you know him .. . "
MARIA : " I couldn't care less who you were meeting. All I care about right now is that you dry yourself , change and mop my floor. And , like , now ! "
LIESL (mutters under her breath) : " Bitch !"

Comes back changed.Proceeds to mop the place. Sullen and resentful

LIESL : " You're such a bitter old person. Is there anything you like at all ? "
MARIA : " I like a lot of things , you know, like . . ."
LIESL (cuts her off) : " Hey Sis ! No one wants to know , OK ?"
MARIA : "Oh but i'll sing it off anyway as its such a swell old hit"

Launches into "My Favourite Things"

Acid drops in high doses and whisky for a pittance
Bright Ecstacy pills and a good Coke remittance
Wild techno parties that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cream coloured Tony-ies and crisp toy boy poodles
Dark skinned tattoo artists drawing naughty doodles
Cool flirty evenings and hot one-night flings
These are a few of my favourite things.

Girls in thin dresses flaunting their whiplashes
Mountains of money and million dollar bashes
100 Carat diamonds that melt into rings
These are a few of my favourite things.

When a bad trip bites
When von Trapp sings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I dont feel so bad.
(to be continued)