Yo ! Hippo ! (or , Making A Hash Of Nash)

So large is the African  hippopotamus 

A single one makes a river over-populous.

"One hippo is company" they say aloud

"Two hippos ? ... A crowd ! "

Although touristy and popular

The hippo's not jovial or jocular.

It remains silent and in stasis

As though under hipponosis.

A hippopotamus is rarely if ever emotional.

Melodramatic hippos are purely notional.

The hippo hallmark is a marked reticence

To display feelings of guilt or innocence.

I have it in good authority from a ranger

That an upset hippo poses a danger. 

If you ever give a hippo a hoick

It is unlikely to remain stoic.

A man who once tried to tease a hippo

Found that was no way to please a hippo.

Another who tried to stimulate it with books

Now happens to emulate its looks.

The hippopotamus to us  is pure mystery !

What are its hobbies ? What's its history ?

Does it care about its habitat being in a mess ?

On current evidence , it  couldn't care less.

About the musical tastes of the hippopotamus

Not  very much is known to us.

Does it prefer classical , jazz , or pop ? 

Perhaps  just a little Hippo Hop.

(Inspired by the one and only Ogden Nash)

(c)  Bhaskar Khaund

Comrade Cat Of Qingdao

The cats make a beeline for the Feline
Communist Party of Qingdao.
The comrades align under the benign
Leadership of Chairman Meow

This post is in a lighter vein and is totally non-political. It is not meant to be disrespectful to any nation  , ideology or belief , none of which it has anything to do with . Any reference is only  in the spirit of  fun !

Phony Tapping - or, All Is Quiet On The Eastern Front

Sachin 200 : The retirement series in a parallel universe - 1

The first in a series exploring what  if  Sachin's much celebrated final Test series against the West Indies were to pan out in a radically different - not to mention very weird - way.

(to be continued)

The Run Machines of Indian cricket

Your Namesis

You're terrible at remembering names. You're at this party. You meet these two guys you've met  a few times before. Needless to say you can't for the life of you place their names. You converse with them in separate groups. Enjoyable conversations. Fun topics , lots of laughter. 

Then it's time to leave. The thought of not addressing them by name while saying bye is torturing you. The inability to find a tactful way of finding out is killing you. You sit there.Mind racing, nerves in a frightful twist. 

And then.

One guy has joined the other on the sofa right next to you. And the first guy says to the second : 

" Hey we haven't met..." 

Which side of the bed did you get up from that morning ? Flag it , frame it , gamble from it. Worship it. 

BUT  then.

This second guy. Your worst enemy. The bane of your existence. All he has to do is say his name. But this is what he does say : " Uh we did meet here last year ,I've seen you before "  

They have a very brief chat about something or the other , neither of which includes names. Then one of them gets up to get a drink.

It's over. 

Losing It

Losing weight is easy ! All you have to do is two things.

A. Exercise. Exercise, exercise and more exercise ! The following is a good plan to follow :

• Morning : Cycle 5 km , run 5 km, skip rope x 100 times / Shoulder and bench press-5 sets x 12 reps , arm and leg curls and back rowing - 5 sets x 100 reps, free lifts of maximum possible weight / Wind down by repeating the cardio step  also adding 30 minutes on the stepper
• Afternoon : Repeat morning program
• Evening :   Repeat morning program
• Night :  You'll probably still be at the Evening program ; if not, repeat morning program
• Through the day : take the stairs instead of the lift, do plenty of chores , walk around   

B. Eat nothing. Here's a recommended diet plan :

• Breakfast :1 bowl nothing+1 fresh seasonal nothing+1 cup skimmed nothing
• Snack : 2 pcs wholemeal nothing
• Lunch : 1 bowl nothing + 250 gm grilled nothing + 1 cup fresh nothing
• Snack : You've got to be joking
• Dinner : Stare at but don't touch - 1/4 cup rice & greens salad + 250 gm salmon fillet
• Through the day : When hungry (which will be always) , pray. 

Follow this simple program and very soon you'll not only lose a lot of weight but will also die.

To really go for the burn and get to that perfect size zero quickly, opt for cremation.

Deconstructing : Deewaar (1975)

An Endorsement Of Much Gravity

Norwegian Good

Free Ticket To Ride Norway's Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg drove his people around in a taxi. Much ado, the Indian may observe, about nothing. Indian leaders have always been taking people for a ride after all. Well, it  turns out Mr. Stoltenberg  paid his passengers for theirs*.When was the last time Indian leaders paid for anything ?

Norway Or The Highway Mr. Stoltenberg believes the Norwegian Good is better served by his driving Norway rather than a cab on its streets. Norway or the Highway ? While polls suggest that the first option isn't a certainty, the second is no cinch either : the passengers were apparently unimpressed with his chauffeuring skills. 

But that's how customers are.They pay you , they complain. You pay them , they complain. No wonder advertising great David Ogilvy famously said that "the consumer is not a moron , she's your wife." 

*Disclaimer : Yes it'd be nice to have taxi drivers pay for commutes but don't count on JS's example being followed.So the next time you're in an Oslo cab  and contemplate any withholding of  payment , expect to be paid no more by the driver than a clout on the head with the slab of Norwegian wood  closest at hand.

Deconstructing : WALL STREET (1987)

Poor Michael.  He went down on his luck.

Hot Chocolate And The Cold Matrix Of Maya

The Hindu philosophical concept of Maya holds that the world is basically an illusion. The movie The Matrix probably tried to elaborate but it tried too hard. You don't need two hours to figure out that choreographing to slow-mo bullets is all illusion.

This coffee machine was more convincing. The hot chocolate tasted exactly like water and looked like this :

Philosophical discussion on the concept of Maya ? Sorry I don't exist.

False Alarm

White smoke from a chimney of the Sistine Chapel on the evening of 13th March 2013  heralded the election of Pope Francis to the papacy. A historic moment of such gravity that you are glad  the depiction below is only a figment of this silly blog's imagination :

Deconstructing : FAST AND FURIOUS (2001 -)

Flee From The Wee

Allowing the poet Wordsworth his due artistic license with logic and biological plausibility, the child may  be the father of man  but as a topic of conversation it is also the mother of all bores. 

Many adults might go into paroxysms of delight listening to other adults talk about what a child had to say. For many others, listening to what a  child  did might be an all consuming passion. With others still , evaluating the merits and demerits of a child's class teacher  might be a  lifetime's vocation. Some adults could be addicted to discussing extra-curricular development camps.

It must be all very exciting. And you are all for talking about kids.

Just so long as you can insert a  couple of  light years distance between yourself and the conversation.