Space VERY Oddity (or, We know Major Tom's a wino)

Ground Control to Major Tom Collins

Ground Control to Major Tom Collins

Take your senses out  and put your ice cubes in

Ground Control to Major Tom Collins (Ten, Nine , etc)

Commencing counting , that's ten tonic and gins

Check ignition and may God's aspirin be with you (Two,One,Liftoff)

This is Ground Control to Major Tom Collins

You’ve really made the grape

And there's booze stains  on the shirts you wear

Now it’s time to leave the bar stool if you dare

This is Major Tom Collins to Ground Control

I’m stepping through the door

And I’m floating in the most peculiar way

And the bars look very different today

For here am I sitting with my gin Man

Far above the world

Planet Earth is Blue Curacoa

And there’s nothing I can do a doacoa

Though I am past one hundred thousand drinks

I’m feeling thirsty still

And I think my car knows which bar next to go

Tell them I love their Gimlet , they know

Ground Control to Major Tom Collins

Your circuit's  dead , there's something wrong

That's beer number three , Major Tom  !

That's beer number three , Major Tom  !

That's beer number three , Major Tom !

That's beer number --- For here am I sitting with my gin Man

Far above the world

Planet Earth is Blue Curacoa

And there’s nothing I can do a doacoa

(Idea by my friend Vandu)

What Goes Up Comes Down - But Very Slowly

Lifts - or elevators if that's what you call them (though, even if you're American, why?) -  can cause a good deal of pain and suffering. It's not through any fault of theirs - I mean , okay, so lifts are drab places that you wouldn't spend your holidays in but is that even relevant ? It's what some people do with them. Consider these situations from hottest hell :

(1)  People rush in before you have gotten out.

They also then do not hear your sarcastic one liner (e.g., " in a hurry ! ") because they're already busy pressing their buttons. 

(2)  People press the wrong button 

You're taking the lift down and running very late. The lift stops at some random floor where some woman asks if it's going up. I wouldn't trust her judgement at gunpoint.

(3)  People have pressed all the buttons 

Children and ultra-demented adults have often been known to press all the buttons in a lift to make it stop at every floor. 

(4) People hold you captive with some really boring talk  

You're stuck listening to the guy in the building who may have bored the dinosaurs into extinction. And to make sure you're paying attention he never takes his eyes off yours for a second 

(5)  People hold you captive with some really boring talk about their children 

That same guy talking about his kids ? Enough said. 

(6) People don't keep the door open for you

You've come in needing to use the bathroom. The lift is just about to go up .The person who's seen you rushing makes no attempt to keep the door open as he stares clean past you. What could he have been thinking of ? His own stupidity you hope. 

(7)  People can't  keep the door open for you 

Ditto the previous situation but this time you spot someone in it who you know. BUT this person is so busy smiling and waving at you that they forget to press the Open button. 

So there you are ,  stuck like hell with a bursting bladder , waiting for the damn lift to come down again. What goes up must come down , sure. But  it comes down all too slowly. 

Because on the way there must be a woman who's pressed the wrong button and held the lift up or some ridiculously irritating little kid who're pressed all the buttons on it or that life-threatening bore holding everybody off with kid-talk ?

Oh , hang on , not that guy.  Because here he is now , freshly arrived and  by your side , waiting to give you company through the  longest ever ride to the loo in your whole sorry life. And guess what. He's waving his kid's school report cards at you.