Phony Tapping - or, All Is Quiet On The Eastern Front

Sachin 200 : The retirement series in a parallel universe - 1

The first in a series exploring what  if  Sachin's much celebrated final Test series against the West Indies were to pan out in a radically different - not to mention very weird - way.

(to be continued)

The Run Machines of Indian cricket

Your Namesis

You're terrible at remembering names. You're at this party. You meet these two guys you've met  a few times before. Needless to say you can't for the life of you place their names. You converse with them in separate groups. Enjoyable conversations. Fun topics , lots of laughter. 

Then it's time to leave. The thought of not addressing them by name while saying bye is torturing you. The inability to find a tactful way of finding out is killing you. You sit there.Mind racing, nerves in a frightful twist. 

And then.

One guy has joined the other on the sofa right next to you. And the first guy says to the second : 

" Hey we haven't met..." 

Which side of the bed did you get up from that morning ? Flag it , frame it , gamble from it. Worship it. 

BUT  then.

This second guy. Your worst enemy. The bane of your existence. All he has to do is say his name. But this is what he does say : " Uh we did meet here last year ,I've seen you before "  

They have a very brief chat about something or the other , neither of which includes names. Then one of them gets up to get a drink.

It's over. 

Losing It

Losing weight is easy ! All you have to do is two things.

A. Exercise. Exercise, exercise and more exercise ! The following is a good plan to follow :

• Morning : Cycle 5 km , run 5 km, skip rope x 100 times / Shoulder and bench press-5 sets x 12 reps , arm and leg curls and back rowing - 5 sets x 100 reps, free lifts of maximum possible weight / Wind down by repeating the cardio step  also adding 30 minutes on the stepper
• Afternoon : Repeat morning program
• Evening :   Repeat morning program
• Night :  You'll probably still be at the Evening program ; if not, repeat morning program
• Through the day : take the stairs instead of the lift, do plenty of chores , walk around   

B. Eat nothing. Here's a recommended diet plan :

• Breakfast :1 bowl nothing+1 fresh seasonal nothing+1 cup skimmed nothing
• Snack : 2 pcs wholemeal nothing
• Lunch : 1 bowl nothing + 250 gm grilled nothing + 1 cup fresh nothing
• Snack : You've got to be joking
• Dinner : Stare at but don't touch - 1/4 cup rice & greens salad + 250 gm salmon fillet
• Through the day : When hungry (which will be always) , pray. 

Follow this simple program and very soon you'll not only lose a lot of weight but will also die.

To really go for the burn and get to that perfect size zero quickly, opt for cremation.

Deconstructing : Deewaar (1975)

An Endorsement Of Much Gravity

Norwegian Good

Free Ticket To Ride Norway's Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg drove his people around in a taxi. Much ado, the Indian may observe, about nothing. Indian leaders have always been taking people for a ride after all. Well, it  turns out Mr. Stoltenberg  paid his passengers for theirs*.When was the last time Indian leaders paid for anything ?

Norway Or The Highway Mr. Stoltenberg believes the Norwegian Good is better served by his driving Norway rather than a cab on its streets. Norway or the Highway ? While polls suggest that the first option isn't a certainty, the second is no cinch either : the passengers were apparently unimpressed with his chauffeuring skills. 

But that's how customers are.They pay you , they complain. You pay them , they complain. No wonder advertising great David Ogilvy famously said that "the consumer is not a moron , she's your wife." 

*Disclaimer : Yes it'd be nice to have taxi drivers pay for commutes but don't count on JS's example being followed.So the next time you're in an Oslo cab  and contemplate any withholding of  payment , expect to be paid no more by the driver than a clout on the head with the slab of Norwegian wood  closest at hand.

Deconstructing : WALL STREET (1987)

Poor Michael.  He went down on his luck.

Hot Chocolate And The Cold Matrix Of Maya

The Hindu philosophical concept of Maya holds that the world is basically an illusion. The movie The Matrix probably tried to elaborate but it tried too hard. You don't need two hours to figure out that choreographing to slow-mo bullets is all illusion.

This coffee machine was more convincing. The hot chocolate tasted exactly like water and looked like this :

Philosophical discussion on the concept of Maya ? Sorry I don't exist.

False Alarm

White smoke from a chimney of the Sistine Chapel on the evening of 13th March 2013  heralded the election of Pope Francis to the papacy. A historic moment of such gravity that you are glad  the depiction below is only a figment of this silly blog's imagination :

Deconstructing : FAST AND FURIOUS (2001 -)

Flee From The Wee

Allowing the poet Wordsworth his due artistic license with logic and biological plausibility, the child may  be the father of man  but as a topic of conversation it is also the mother of all bores. 

Many adults might go into paroxysms of delight listening to other adults talk about what a child had to say. For many others, listening to what a  child  did might be an all consuming passion. With others still , evaluating the merits and demerits of a child's class teacher  might be a  lifetime's vocation. Some adults could be addicted to discussing extra-curricular development camps.

It must be all very exciting. And you are all for talking about kids.

Just so long as you can insert a  couple of  light years distance between yourself and the conversation.

2012 (DA 14) A Space Oddity

2012 DA 14 escaped from the Asteroid Belt.Who can blame it ! Imagine drifting around in an imperfect circle  for a billion years.No internet, no TV, nothing to read, nobody to chat with...Nothing to do  except  tolerate a lot of surreal pebbles wobbling past you.

DA 14 flew past our planet yesterday. They say it came dangerously close. Really ? So long as it didn't cause a jam on Sheikh Zayed Road , Dubai, UAE  I'm okay with the distance.

Besides, not only was it not visible to the naked eye,I couldn't even see it with my glasses on. And you know how it is with  telescopes.You go in to buy one and come out with a smartphone instead.It's all pretty much more Android than asteroid out there.

Oh yeah,another thing the Asteroid Belt lacks is fun apps. Let alone Angry Birds , you'd be lucky  to find even a mildly upset one.

Famous Lost Words

Why do murder victims in crime stories go all cryptic when they die ?

Take the Sherlock Holmes story The Speckled Band. It would have been so much easier for Julie to have just said 'snake'. No, but she has to get her dying tongue in a twist with " the....speckled..band".

How you'd love the coroner's report to read : "Died from the strain of thinking up a cryptic phrase to build the plot. Death by stupidity. Signed."

By the way, if you haven't read The Speckled Band , don't bother now. It was a snake. My apologies. In my defence , I didn't put it there.

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day. Lucky stiff. I bet there's no day named after you !

But who is this Valentine who sends people into paroxysms of  Hallmark handing, bouquet buying, gift giving and dinner dating  ? What is his age and gender ? And height and weight ? What are his hobbies ? What is his favorite color ? Red , I'm guessing. What does he do on weekends  and what are his politics ? 

What are his views on the financial crisis and should they matter ? Did he lie to his mother as a child?  Did his father frequently spank his bottom and has that altered his psyche? How does he conduct himself in a crowded elevator : does he look up or down ? Where does he stand on Global Warming ? 

Nobody knows. You can't think of many other people we know so little about who have had days named after them - reassuringly tiny, note, as that number already is.  

Take St. Patrick. No , hang on. Don't  take St. Patrick. Because you don't anyway. I mean, know anybody who is moved to sweet nothings on account of St.P ? Or to wear bright red shirts ? Or to  hang up bright red hearts on their walls ? 

Unlike many other famous people though, I don't think there are  things like airports, train stations , streets and localities named after Valentine.Nor are there any Valentine postage stamps.

That's smart planning. I mean, picture this at a post office : 

Mailman 1 (wincing) : "Where's that - ugh-  red heart stamp going ?"

Mailman 2 : " To my dustbin" (tosses package to bin)

It's Looking Up , Is It ?

It's morning and you're running horribly late. After waiting for an eternity - during which time it has twice passed you by -you finally get into the elevator. It stops on the fifth floor where an amiable looking gentleman has a question for you.

"Going up?" quoth he.

If the following sequence on the panel -- 22,21,20,19,18,17,16,15,14,13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5 -
along with a well lit down arrow suggested that the elevator was going up , who are you to say no ?

Salesperson Service

All of you sell the same products with the same features and the same prices. So what do you do ? Why, hire  identically morose, rude, disinterested and unlikable salespeople to go with them of course. 

I was out  shopping for a telly  last weekend and having a really hard time deciding between brands.The guy at the first store was so m,r,d and u that it helped : i just walked out of there. The  guy at the second place was no different. Perhaps a bit less r  but also possibly a bit more d. I mean he did attempt a smile and, had a yawn not got in the way, would even have succeeded.

I finally bought my box at a shop where the chappie's body language didn't suggest that he'd either kill or self destruct at the idea of making a sale. That he actually bothered to compare as many as two different models - even going  so  far as to demonstrate half of one - was  further impetus.

Good thing I have such a half-baked conscience. A fully baked one would have constantly reminded me, each time I switched on the TV, of the pain i inflicted on this stoic fellow whose moments of idle leisure i'd so thoughtlessly intruded into. It was definitely very poor Salesperson Service on my part.